Beyond All Hope

Meaning

2011-10-07T20:48:00.003+08:00

I was anxious after going through the interview to IE Singapore on Monday and wondered why it took so long for them to reply. As the week passed, my optimism dropped as it shouldn't take much for them to call me back for another round if it was successful. And true enough, an email came at 4+ this afternoon, informing me that it has been unsuccessful.

It was a blow to me:

I had the peace to make the application
The job scope is really what I want to do
IE isn't really the most prestigious/sought after place
I have a poor record at interviews in the civil/public service

I know that only 1 reason is enough for the failure while success would require many matching criteria. Since they took an entire week to answer me, did it mean that I could have gone through? Have I been getting rejected because of my relatively poor grades in uni (Bs and Cs)? Is it simply because I have only 1 year left on my bond? Is it because I indicated that I could only start work in January?

I sent a reply, thanking the lady for informing me, but also asking her for the reason(s) if it is not inconvenient.

I would be surprised if she cares to reply.

Nevertheless, a "no" is a "no".

I'm a little embarrassed but more importantly, I need to rediscover my worth. I was reading John Bevere's "Extraordinary". I asked God, I haven't proven myself at work, I'm not the extraordinary superstar in office, when a 2nd upper is the ticket to high CEP, I had let myself down in college, ...

God gave me a verse. Philippians 2:22 - But you know that Timothy has proved himself, because as a son with his father he has served with me in the work of the gospel.

Paul indicated that Timothy has proved himself in looking out for Jesus's interest (ie His people) rather than his own interests.

I rest in hope that His will is bigger than a transfer.

Just as how He had blessed me in the relationship: by letting go, He placed it back onto my hands.

Just as how I can hope in buying a house: from the disappointment in the BTO exercise in March, if successful, the SBF exercise would have been a bigger blessing than the BTO.

And the job ... I hold on to see what He has in store.

Gross National Happiness Commission

2011-09-27T17:31:00.001+08:00

Having this interest to understand Bhutan’s drive towards achieving high Gross National Happiness as opposed to simply the increase of GDP. Partly because of Minister Heng’s call for the focus on Values and Character-building in schools.

Our nation may pride itself for efficiency but it is a goal easily achieved in a corruption-free state (with high penalty imposed) that thrives on meritocracy (exponential level of reward). When appraisal looks into all the quantitative results, it is not difficult to come up with policies that drive the economy.

On the other hand, the measurement of happiness is subjective. In Bhutan’s case, it was reported that the country has a Gross National Happiness Commission, chaired by the Prime Minister, which screens all new policy proposals put forward by government ministries. If a policy is found to be contrary to the goal of promoting gross national happiness, it is sent back to the ministry for reconsideration. Without the commission’s approval, it cannot go ahead.

One teacher friend, however, was more optimistic: “at least we get to educate the next generation of parents, who will in turn coach their children the right values.”

[See the article here]

Can we set up a similar National Hao Gong Min Commission, chaired by someone whom the nation would regard as one who is “flawless in character”. And no policy would pass through this commission unless it builds good values and character of the population?

My take on the Tans

2011-07-31T10:29:00.003+08:00

I should really be doing something different on this lazy Sunday morning, my only time of real rest for the week. Anyway, I read in fascination the stories about Dr Patrick Tan's service in his National Service under a cushy environment, read the response from both Dr Tony Tan and the younger Tan and felt that both sides had either deliberately or unknowingly missed out the crux of the issue.

Question on Dr Tony Tan's integrity

First and foremost, I do not believe that Dr Tony Tan manipulated his son's NS deployment. He is not stupid and if there was any White Horse privileges given, it was done by those in the middle and upper management who decided to carry balls. So the doubt about the older Tan's integrity is just illogical, simply because someone who received/heard about such order would have blown the whistle and the older Tan is not stupid to leave such a mark in his file.

Issue with the longer than usual deferment of Patrick

Local medical course for undergraduates is extended over a period of 6 years, and a typical disruption/deferment would be that long for anyone who has been admitted to the course and wishes to seek deferment (of course I have friends who chose to serve out 2 or 2.5 yrs as a soldier on the field before embarking on their studies, they do not end up as MOs or DOs).

Seeing how the Harvard course is like, my sense is that it is fair for Patrick to request for a long deferment. So the devil lies with the approving authority, do they allow for an extension of 8 years following the initial 4 years of pre-medical? When the local batch takes 6 years, 4 years may seem a little short. But granting a 12 year deferment is also too much...

Perhaps the ones who approved could step out to explain the guiding principles, and why they felt a further 8 years on top of the initial 4 years was ok. This is not for the Tans to explain, but SAF and MINDEF.

Deployment to a research laboratory

From my first point, Dr Tony Tan would not have been stupid enough to pull his weight on this issue.

From my experience with the messy SAF, the attitude of the regulars, and the drive of returned scholars, I have pictured a more likely scenario: SAF deployed Patrick to enter Medical Officer Conversion Course (MOCC), the younger Tan appealed, citing his qualification and sought a deployment at the research centre, it was eventually granted. Or even before his return, Patrick informed the SAF and made the request and approval was made somewhere along the line to put him with DSO.

Either way, it was not legally wrong and I had seen friends making requests to be transferred and they are heard because they are returned scholars and because they are more aggressive in their appeals.

I believe a number of people do get a lucky break in the army: the regulars get proper pay during those 2 years; most drivers get a free driving license during the 2 years; some get to continue their music and sports development at MDC and SAFSA. So I can put Patrick's experience down to that.

When you have a lucky break and when you are from a political family, public sentiments cannot be ignored. It's not just about what is right or wrong but also in building the trust with the public.

And then, there are many facets to NS, the government used social cohesion to increase the value of NS: it's in NS where everyone is treated equally, that you meet with people of a different social class and experience. I certainly experienced that, and I wonder if Patrick's 3 months of BMT is enough to achieve this experience.

In my opinion, Patrick missed the point in his open letter. The public does not care if you received 2 years of NS pay while being a research scientist, everyone knows that your family is rich and a lot would not mind paying to get NS off their back if given a choice. And the defence with his own talent and ability, it's better off letting your Professors and fellow researchers step in for you.

I heard it from somewhere "Self praise is no honor", how true, how very true.

Dreams

2011-07-07T10:53:00.001+08:00

2 nights ago I had a dream, there were 2 parts to it really and it’s the second time in my recent memory that I have such vivid dreams. The first was a nightmare, many people from my work appeared and they behaved in exactly the same way I perceived them to.

Anyway, it’s about the latest one which was a milder kind of nightmare:

Part 1:

I lost my wallet. It was found again with a few credit cards missing. And after I called the banks to cancel that particular lost cards, I realised that charges have been made to the few that remained in my wallet.

I woke up feeling poor (also because of the 2^nd part of the dream) and after reading the news on the probable extension of grounding of Tiger Airways in Australia. I had a panic-sale of my Tiger Airways shares. Darius and I went in the day before, observing that it’s just protectionism of the Australian government while the business model was sound so we dipped in. Anyway, I made as much money as the transaction costs which doesn’t make sense to go in in the first place, but I’m at peace and glad that I bailed out early.

Part 2:

I became a full time missionary under Pastor Ed (which explains why I felt poor after waking up, no offence but there aren’t many rich missionaries around me).

I was bored because they were rehearsing for a music outreach and I couldn’t play the guitar. It ended up with me feeling lonely as I was left behind t guard the house when they went out for that particular outreach.

I wonder if it was a prophesy. But I certainly hope to pick up the guitar one of these days so as not to be left behind.

The Cost of Discipleship

2011-07-04T21:56:00.004+08:00

I am going to Hong Kong!!! But my focus is not on the food nor on the shopping but the conviction that I am to stand in the gap between my grandparents and God. That I am in the position where I can reach out to them with ease.

And so I prayed, asking for prayers, taking note of the journey of Jael's and Noelle's grandmothers. Thinking of buying a CD player and Christian CDs for them. I am preparing myself and anticipating great things to happen.

Stacey is coming too. With a different objective to relax and shop. But we know pastor's ruling on traveling as a couple. I agree that we are fools to obey, but we take it as being fools for Christ and to build the kind of atmosphere for our future family.

With such insights, we planned to go over a particular weekend when a friend would also be there. Everything was fine: we have a companion, I'm preparing for ministry, we bought good air tickets, we sourced for cheap hotel, ...

And then the blow came, that the friend had her travel schedule changed because the boss wanted her to hold the work meeting earlier.

I know it's not her fault that the schedule was changed but I nevertheless felt annoyed. We know pastor's stand and Stacey may not be able to fly. I had reasons to be angry and I also felt justified to the extent of standing trial before God over this incident.

1. The Plan

Now Stacey will be a little awkward if she joins me to spend a lot of time with my grannies. And I will be worried if she goes out alone.

2. The Rest

We know pastor's position and she is likely to discourage us from going together. But I know that Stacey needs a rest and some time away. And it's not like we did this all on purpose, we decided on the dates based on the friend's schedule and we get penalised still.

In the moment, I was about to tear my shirt and ask God to judge our hearts: why do such things happen when we obey

3. The Money

We have made purchases on the air tickets and accommodation. It may be just a few hundred dollars but those are hard-earned money. I don't mind spending money on others and giving money to people who need it, even a larger amount, but I hate to waste money this way.

Because of this, we hold back on buying a car because the money is better spent in the bank, in stocks and in helping others when the opportunity arises. I have many better ways on spending that few hundred dollars, rather than donating it to the airlines and hotel.

And so I struggled. Few will understand why I struggle for it makes no practical sense to obey. And even if we proceed without pastor's blessing, I will be at peace because the intent was flawless. I struggled ... just when I sense that I should pray for others, I get hit by the turn of events ...

I pictured myself being a disciple on the boat with Jesus and the storm hits the boat, I cry "why? have I not given up my livelihood to follow? And yet I am rocked by the storm." It's not the fear of losing my life, but the sense of injustice. I believe the disciples must have felt this way too.

Then the teaching at YA Retreat came back:

Being a true disciple is about giving up our own rights: Jesus could have called upon the angels and avoid the beating and the cross but He didn't, because He was the strongest and the meekest Man who gave up His rights to follow God.

And then I chose to obey... it still hurts but there is new-found strength to take it on. And I had a glimpse of what Abraham had felt when he brought Isaac up to be sacrificed, it must have hurt deeply but the strength comes from the desire to be a disciple and a friend of God.

My wrestle with God took an hour. And it was possible because Stacey handled it well, that she could readily obey, and so I had the peace to wrestle.

Grace is free but it is not cheap.

I had a new revelation: Discipleship requires more than righteousness but the perseverance to remain on this path of righteousness and get injured when the world hits you with stones and scorpions.

尊ぶべき命だから

2011-06-29T20:34:00.003+08:00

Just came back from a silly Infantry seminar and felt compelled to pen down my thoughts over the last week. Well, the senior officers at the seminars were super duper law saw, they could have reduced their words by half and still have answered the questions.

Anyway, there was a Q&A towards the end, and it eventually became a complaining session among the regulars and some NSmen. I was disappointed with the way the feedback was handled but that would not be the content for this blog. But rather, CIO's comment that Infantry is seen as something too general to generate pride, an armour, artillery soldier could easily become infantry, he talked about the need to re-brand infantry.

I see myself and the commanders as skilled managers of men. You cannot parachute someone from commando or anywhere into our unit because they would not have seen the kind of men we receive. Ordinary men take a new meaning in an infantry unit, suddenly you see people different from you, the school dropouts, the druggies, etc (definitely not the diploma/A-level guys)

John summed it up well: you can issue ipads and new terrex platform but until you gain the trust of these men, you can't win a battle with just the gadgets.

Just last Wednesday, I visited Abaz with Ruiwen. He got his leg amputated from a traffic accident. He was a Sec 2 dropout and it would be hard for him to find an administrative job.

And then last Thursday, met an old friend for lunch. He was struggling with low income and high cost of living.

And on Friday, there was a gathering an the residence of the Japan Ambassador in Singapore and there were many high-flyers present. Conversation was, in a way, meaningless as no one would remember them. To me, it's easy for the people up there, the high-flyers to treat everything as numbers... productivity etc

But every single digit is a life and a soul. And it doesn't matter if I save the soul of a beggar or a billionaire, their values are the same.

Just want to share the song: Triangle by SMAP

English Translation of Lyrics

From a small room set a little apart

From the heart of the city

No matter how hard I strain my eyes

There are so many things I can't see

For example, someone praying to the distant sky

For example, you cowering in fear

The shadows of the dead who wander

Longing for a fulfilling tomorrow

All they can find is destruction

They can't love the world of the future

My eyes, your hands, our voices

They all seem different

But freedom is life

My skin, your mother, our love

It's all a miracle

That rained down on this tiny blue planet

My reticent grandfather passed his feelings down

To my father, across a generation

Which kept climbing earnestly up a terrible, harsh road

Not knowing even a small amount of hardship

We were born and lived afterwards

Let's take up those feelings

And give voice to them until our voices break

The hero of a great country

And the young girl from a wartorn country

Their weight is equal

They're both lives that should be esteemed

With a fearless expression

The gun is pointed

At our hearts and nowhere else

It's carved deep, deep

Like that wound

My eyes, your hands, our voices

They all seem different

But freedom is life

My skin, your mother, our love

It's all a miracle

That rained down on this tiny blue planet

The sorrow of a great country

The mother who can't see it through to the end

Their weight is equal

They're both lives that should be esteemed

With a fearless expression

The gun is pointed

At our hearts and nowhere else

Yes, in your fearful hand

Asian Tigers

2011-06-19T17:26:00.005+08:00

I don't mean the 4 dragons of Hong Kong, Taiwan, South Korea and Singapore. Anyway, the landscape has changed so much that the term doesn't apply anymore, does it?

I was out bowling with Stacey yesterday and an Ang Moh Family caught my attention. It was a family of 6, 3 young kids who could morph into an irritating rascal, 1 toddler to be carried and the parents. And then there was a helper from either the Philippines or the Indones

ia.

The family occupied 2 lanes and 6 bowled, the helper substituting the toddler and it was a joy to see the young kids jumping in jubilation and enthusiasm as they down a pin (the bumper lane definitely helped, and who cares if they bowl using the grandmother method). I could smile at the sight although I was at the same time, getting thrashed by Stacey.

Cutting my loss, we ended our mini-competition after 3 games and I suggested that we stay on to watch the Ang Mohs enjoying some family time. And then on the lane to their left, there was also a Singaporean family, just the parents and a young daughter, at most 5 years old, Mummy was holding a camera while Daddy was teaching Little Girl the techniques.

From the first frame however, we knew that it was a nightmare in the making: Little Girl used only 1 hand and the ball ended in the gutter even before it went 1/5 down the lane. Credits to Little Girl, she maintained her enthusiasm and tried and tried again.

Mummy would occasionally coach her in a non-professional way, or at her pleasure made Little Girl pose for photographs (while holding the ball that probably weighed a large part of her weight). The only thing consistent was where the ball would end up.

I wonder why they didn't use the bumper lane.

Eventually Little Girl got frustrated as Mummy's method didn't work. She was tired and the score remained "zero". Little Girl talked back, started crying and the next thing I knew, Mummy slapped Little Girl, not very hard but anyone could tell that it was not a playful pat. Little Girl cried louder, Daddy, who was non-chalent all these while went up but backed down again when Mummy told him off.

Amazingly, the Ang Mohs topped this outing with a family photo, happy kids, proud parents, the contrast couldn't be more stark. I took a picture to remind myself what I saw.

Little Girl knew that resistance was futile and stopped crying, Mummy brought Little Girl to the washroom and it could be my imagination but I saw finger marks on Little Girl's rosy cheeks. Daddy loitered around, I wondered what he was thinking, hopefully not sex which scientists said would have crossed a man's mind every 10 sec.

I regret that I did not use the opportunity to go up to tell Daddy that this wasn't the way to train your dream bowling champion. Come on, just let her enjoy the game, use bumper lane silly.

And I noticed the swimming equipment too. I wonder what Little Girl's Saturday schedule was like? Maybe swimming, bowling, dancing and then chinese tuition?

Join me to stop Tiger Mums, or Tiger Dads for that matter, be courageous and give advice to these Tigers in an appropriate way. I mean what is there to lose, I may lose face when the Tigers snub me or scold me instead but at least, I know I have tried to rescue the self-esteem of our young children.

Affirmation

2011-06-17T16:23:00.008+08:00

Over lunch today, a colleague asked, "now that Mrs A has retired, who do you report to in your work?"

My response:

If it is sustainability-related, I go to MH who seldom questions my decision or approach but would improve my submission or give his clearance as Director.

If it is SRP-related, I go to LK, who would always say ok.

If it is CREATE-centric, I go to FY, who would require me to fill him in with the background information.

For other things that I think are too minor to seek approval from Directors and above, I just handle it myself.

In any case, I am the one who chase the bosses to follow-up on this and that most of the time, so there is quite a large bit of autonomy in my work.

In a way, I'm given the opportunity to take my Director's role in decision-making. But on the other hand, there is no guidance, no one to bounce off ideas with so that I can learn. Yes, I can still learn from mistakes but how to make mistakes when I can simply ignore the tough ones and let it lapse ...

But I also hold onto the words that I have received through Steve:

Brian, the Lord says you are exactly where I want you to be. The Lord says, Brian, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. I don't know if it is forever but right now, right here at this time, the Lord says, good job. The Lord says, you are positioned in a place where I can work with you. You are positioned in a place where I can train you. You are positioned in a place where I can sharpen you.

I see you a leader of families, I don't quite know what that means. The Lord says you are a leader of families, that the way you live your life, you are going to show families what it means to live a godly life. That the glory of the Lord will be seen in you, the way you exist in your family, the way you treat your family, the way you lead your family. He says, don't discount those things, it's not just about the doing, it's about the being, it's about who you are, and how you love people.

And the Lord says that your life is gonna be a life of love. I don't know what you are like and I don't really know your character but ... I wonder if you are the loving kind of person, you just got love to give and you just got the gentleness to give. And the Lord says, I put that in you, that's how I see you. A bruised reed you will not break, you know that prophesy over Jesus, the Lord says, you are like Jesus. You've got this gentleness about you, you got this inner strength, you've got this love. And the Lord says, I put it there. I've put it there because you are going to be a lover of people, and you are going to lead other people into how to love their families.

So Lord we lift up your son, and Lord, will you carry him through this time. Would You teach him, Father that he hears Your voice at the workplace, in his rest time, in everywhere, in everything he does Lord, that You will just constantly whispering to him Lord, that he will just see things from Your perspective Lord, everything that he has to take on at work, everything he has to take on in ministry , in life that he will see things Your way Lord. Because You are love Lord, and You've got so much of it to give.

Thank you Lord.

30

2011-05-16T23:29:00.002+08:00

I have reached the Big 3 and it's gonna be an exciting time as I embark on the journey of ministry.

Also thank God for the wonderful time at Krabi, for the flight, weather, company and finally the celebration of my birthday.

Flight

It was my first experience of the budget terminal and I have heard horrible stories about Tiger Airways. But hey, everything was smooth and we returned on time, there was really no way for any of us to complain.

Weather

Read on the magazine on the plane that May was supposed to be a rainy season at Krabi but thank God, we had perfect weather over the 4 days, even the locals commented that we were lucky. I would believe that God had blessed our trip

Company

The group was perfect. Everyone was rather easy-going and we could compromise on the activities, food, etc easily. It's not a given and I really really appreciate the group dynamics and the crappiness of the crew :)

Celebration

Sweetie prepared a wonderful gift. Collating well wishes from those who were willing to write. Although it was inexpensive, they were words of affirmation with quality that I will treasure. Anyway, quality time and words of affirmation are the ways in which I receive love and yes Sweetie, you have definitely heard it right. I love the present.

Dinner had an added twist which will stay in the group.

And throughout the day, whenever I opened my facebook, there would be updates of well wishes. In total, I believe I had received over 100 congratulatory notes from different individuals and it is my honor to have known everybody.

Thank you everyone for making my day, am embarking on the next journey as a 30 yo :)

Hope

2011-05-09T10:41:00.002+08:00

I'm glad I took my OIL today, and I just decided that I wouldn't go to the swimming pool to chill. I usually do that on a weekday when I am on off. Because it is where I can be alone, reflect and spend time with God. It's weird that one can be "alone" in a public pool but that is the way it is - solitude is being where no one will engage/disturb you. I decided to stay home instead because there is no one else around and by going to the pool, there will be more things to carry and wash.

I reflected on the GE results, reading the papers, the analysis, etc and I have peace. I can see that God is indeed in control and now that the GE is over, all 87 MPs should be honored as leaders. And even among those who lost, some deserve commendation and a spot in our memories.

George Yeo

He is one of the more like-able politicians, careful with his words which is expected from the former Minister for Foreign Affairs. Yes, no one is indispensable and I believe the PAP government will be able to find someone to replace GY. As for he himself, I'm sure he can still contribute to our nation with his level of capability.

Ong Ye Kung

I was told by a colleague that Ye Kung is a good and capable man, and I have that impression too. In the article on him as he was unveiled, and in his address following the defeat. One can say that he was unfortunate to be placed in the Aljunied team but is it that important to win in the first election? There are lessons to be learnt in defeat and I believe Ye Kung will return strong, with qualities that are moulded by this experience, something that the two Generals, ex-MAS ex-EMA and other potential 4G leaders will never have.

Chiam See Tong and Lina Chiam

It was a good move and CST will live in our memories as one who went through everything, to fight for what he believed in. "I am not actually a brave man, but I love Singapore and I love Singaporeans." God has been good to the Chiams, a strong showing at both the GRC and SMC provided a grand finale to his 27 yrs of service. I want to bless him with peace and comfort in the days ahead, as the family enjoys the fruit of his labour.

Nicole Seah

A phenomenon and I suppose she was let down by the other four candidates, for no one will doubt she can win a SMC with just 9 days of campaigning. But just as the Straits Times put it, would there be Nicole if not for TPL? Yes, Nicole is a good orator and a very mature one at that. But one cannot deny either that she came out of nowhere and I would be worried if she just enters parliament like that (yes CSM just returned after 30yrs away but come on, he is on the SMU Board, and he has contributed. I'm just more comfortable with CSM than Nicole). So some time over these five years, Nicole can work the ground, gain a even better knowledge of the ground sentiment and I believe she will have a even better showing at the next GE.

Tin Pei Ling

Since she was elected into the Parliament, I will honor her as a leader. She has, until the next GE, to prove that she can deliver and I will leave it as that. I don't think we all deserve what we get in life, and there are certain "breaks" that we get here and there. So, why are we so uptight with TPL just because she will get a $15,000 MP stipend. As for me, I still don't think that I had performed during BMT to enter OCS, but I say in conviction that I deserve my sword, because I went through and put up with the 10 months of training. So I will openly give TPL a chance (we have a choice of doing it joyfully or grudgingly)

This election reinforced my philosophy of victory and defeat. That our life does not have the capacity to carry all the victories that we can get. A good life is not based on the success over each hurdle (PSLE, O Level Exams, Univ Degree, riches, good looks, etc) but how we are perceived by God in eternity, which is based on how we live our lives each and every single day be it a victory or a defeat.

Give credit where credit is due

2011-05-04T18:36:00.008+08:00

Since everyone is discussing this GE2011, maybe I should pen my thoughts too. No matter what the outcome is, the buzz and the level of enthusiasm from the public will only benefit Singapore. And I pray hard that the leaders who emerge from this GE, are those who can focus on the issues in the coming 5 years, and handle problems humbly, in a righteous, just and merciful way.

PAP

They probably did not see this coming. The extent of negative ground sentiments, not when they timed the Grow & Share package, not when the economy had picked up.

The PAP must have sensed it, to have NWC announced the recommendation of wage increase, PM taking the first soft approach for the the party, the Foreign Minister's appeal to voters.

Is it a case of too little and too late? Yes, I personally believe so. The party had not changed its stance even at the time when they announced their candidates.

- Candidate Ms Tin Pei Ling certainly did not show the calibre of an MP but she was endorsed strongly by both PM and SM.

- Housing concerns were brushed aside

- The U-turn in the COE and ERP model

- The uncontrolled influx of foreigners had crippled our infrastructure

- No sincere apology or accountability was given for the escape of Mas Selamat, Orchard floods, YOG budget, YOG food poisoning

- The widening income gap was not addressed while there was a significant increase in Ministerial salaries

- Gerrymandering at every election

It is not because the constituents haven't suffered hardships in the earlier days of independence that they are soft and voicing their dissents. The PAP should understand that one could never live on yesterday's glory.

Contrary to what MM believes, the citizens are grateful for the good governance in the 60s, 70s and the 80s to give you the mandate to continue governing this country. They have given you the mandate to push for unpopular policies, such as NS and CPF.

But the current batch of leaders are not the same as the late Mr Ong Teng Cheong or Mr Goh Keng Swee of the 70s and 80s. The current crop of leaders do not appear to understand the ground sentiments.

Citing just one example, Minister Mah is only now willing to review the income ceiling of $8,000 imposed on the purchase of HDB flats from the government, when just a few months ago, he insisted that the $8,000 planning model was still relevant. Isn't this a U-turn, only when they were about to lose the votes. By the way, the ceiling was first introduced in 1994 (17 years ago), the change is long overdue. Just by inflation alone, the ceiling should have been raised long ago.

And then MM spoilt the more consultative approach of PM by resorting to fear, likely the only way he knew how to manipulate people. I believe that the PAP had not been the most fair political party around, and definitely narrow-minded in the way they treated politicians with alternative views.

But let's give credit where credit is due, the PAP government has done well in the global issues. Leading the ASEAN when Singapore was chair and managing the international relations well with practically everybody. But on the domestic front, it had barely passed.

Opposition

The Opposition however, can resonate with the ground. These are the people who have experienced the pain and are not exactly the "bicycle thieves" that MM would have mentioned. I find some of their views sensible and reasonable and it is a pity that the PAP would just reject them without good reasons, simply because they were different.

Yes, the Opposition had no track record. But when the push comes to shove, people WILL take the leap of faith and I can see it happening. The PAP probably have also seen it and have started to take a softer approach, but I wish they had done so earlier, when they would not be seen as reactive, just as much of their policies.

Yet some Opposition candidates are dubious, they emerge from nowhere and some seem to be there just to fill up the ethnic quota for the GRC. On major international issues, I believe that the Opposition would not be as capable as the PAP, but on the domestic front, they would beat the PAP hands down, anytime.

I pray that the Opposition have set sights on 5 years and beyond, rather than just the elections on 7 May. Otherwise, we might as well have the PAP win all the seats again. But if the Opposition can mature, a different opinion would definitely help our nation.

I can't accept it

2011-04-24T00:08:00.003+08:00

I should deserve a break; when I had to strive harder than most

With great power comes great responsibility

2011-04-20T23:32:00.003+08:00

At KAIROS today, we watched 2 videos and one of the dialogue from the second one struck me, a junior naval officer was asked, "is the vessel more important or the mission?"

I knew it was a bit RARA to encourage us to go on missions but the question spoke much truth. And even literally, I know what the character was talking about, being aware that bringing back 70% of soldiers under my charge would be commendable. But it's not about keeping them alive, but the mission.

Do I focus on self-preservation and better my standard of living?

Or do I work towards my purpose in life?

Yes, a balance is needed but then where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Blessings

2011-04-17T23:11:00.002+08:00

I believe I had max-ed out my 168hr over the last week, and at times, it's frustrating not being able to get more support. It wasn't easy, juggling office work, alpha, alpha weekend away, kairos, domestic duties, boyfriend duties (albeit done joyfully), cell, supporting Man U in their win over Chelsea in Champions League, not to mention the anticipation of mobilisation...

But I have many things to be thankful for as well. For one, the alpha weekend away was a humbling experience. I saw first hand, how Pentecost would have looked like with many receiving the holy spirit and were "slain". And more significantly, the instruments whom God had used, they were simple uncles and aunties, and many would be grouped as faithful followers instead of leaders of the church.

I had always appreciated knowledge and although I do not look down on others who are simple in faith, I would prefer to seek deeper. And so, it was a tremendous experience to see this group of people, being used as the channels to release the holy spirit. That God can use their simple faith and it is such simplicity that made them a lot more approachable towards new believers.

The weekend away also gave me time to explain Christian beliefs to others and I gave thanks for the experience. Though I'm extremely extremely tired, it was worth every effort.

peace

2011-04-11T20:24:00.002+08:00

It was a baptism for me, the honest sharing and declaration just yesterday gave me renewed energy to face work in office. The burden was lifted and I could smile more easily now, even when there are times I may not agree with the bosses' way of doing things.

To recap what happened yesterday on stage, I guess there were other underlying messages that I might not have shared. I have only myself to blame for not bringing notes up the stage.

And reflecting on how it went, I am not sure if the younger kids had gotten the message, that having friends to worship with you would be a second-order reason for us to follow God; because the first-order reason is simply that we are instructed to do that. I worried a little because it seemed as though only the YAs understood what I was saying. Oh well...

And I wonder if I had also dwelled to much on my unhappiness at work because people came and asked me about it. Although Stacey explained that it was probably because it was a "happy ending" that others remember the highlight from somewhere else. I certainly hope not...

And then, I didn't look at anyone in particular as I was speaking but I caught grim expressions from a few seniors. I was hoping to hear from them after the service but they didn't come by and it would be weird for me to approach them about it. I guess, while I appreciate affirmation, I also look forward to hear feedback and pointers from them, if there was anything unclear that I hadn't brought the message across for the target audience. I had initially wanted the non-YAs to hear about it and be blessed by it.

Perhaps I should watch the video and evaluate.

Underachiever

2011-04-06T00:33:00.004+08:00

Jordan came back and invited us to his house. Since I have alpha, I headed over only after the session and only reached his place at 11pm.

Jordan and I met at MINDEF DPO, he was serving his NS there and we were good friends. I guess he could get along with just anybody. Being tall, rich, handsome and a eurasian, he has almost everything that he needs. Yet for all the late nights when he'd send me home, we would be talking about our hard lives at work, our inability to find girls who we were seriously interested in, etc

It wasn't so long ago when we went to the railmall after work at 9+pm and randomly ordered tequila shots for the fun of it. We were asking ourselves why we did it after downing the hard liquor.

That's Jordan for you.

I just felt I should drop by, though it was late and I was tired. Managed to meet with Kevin (who interned at DPO), Stephanie (entered DPO at roughly the same time as me), Youfeng, Dinesh, Wei Hong, etc I think it was good to see Steph although it reminded me of my underachievement. It's more than just material goods that they enjoy, like everyone was driving; but the success at work for them all.

Even with my security in Christ, I still felt a tinge of disappointment. That I wasn't that different from them... that it was just a lack of appreciation from my own bosses.... 苦笑

Mental Toil

2011-04-02T11:16:00.003+08:00

I wasn't prepared for this week at all, and even as I related the past events to Uncle Keith over lunch on Thursday, I didn't know that there would come a greater jolt which would make another change on how I should respond to certain issues ...

First it was the false accusations that was made known to me on Tuesday and I'm glad to have people coming in to stand by me, allowing me to pour out the disappointment and sorrow over lunch Wed and Thur. I had wanted to respond in the right way and approach my Director with my disappointments when I get to meet her on my work in June or so ... as for the false accusations, there was nothing I could do, I would just update her in June, while expecting solutions or relief amidst all these. My desire was that I would still be effective as I struggle through the incessant trials of being unappreciated, undervalued, made to sacrifice for doing something right ...

And then we were told by our Director that she would be leaving in end-April. On a personal note, I am not sure if I can still air my grievances and disappointment. It also struck me that not long ago, I had prayed about leaving vs staying and as I had peace to "stay", I didn't expect a change could come in this way ...

And now, knowing that she would be gone, I was reminded that for all my bitching and rants, she was the engine of the department and she brought more values than problems to us (well, comparing with one Tin Pei Ling: it's ok to have blemishes, you just need to show your capability, that the pros far outweigh the cons)

Everyone in the Planning & Policy team was sad, because she was a good boss in a day-to-day basis. She is hardworking (although the priority might be wrong), and kind (being apologetic about making us come for a 7.30am or 8am meeting when we do not have a choice means a lot).

Yet, I know that it is also good to have someone new, preferably someone younger who, instead of experience, could bring more clarity and direction to us. I am looking forward to learn from a new Director (believing that I've learnt almost everything my own Director has in store).

With all these trials and structural changes, there were Alpha and Kairos to handle, I was glad that cell wasn't heavy and that Bluemoo had a quiet night yesterday.

shocked

2011-03-29T23:54:00.002+08:00

I was shocked to hear what was being said behind my back, among people who were working with my organisation. It didn't make sense but on the other hand, if it was told to us by someone who didn't know me, it must be really rampant.

I told God that I've been stretched too badly, after one wrestle with God and it gets worse, again and again. I worked hard to be the salt and light but it is not appreciated, instead it gets trampled upon and slandered.

The pain of being unheard

The ineffectiveness at ministry

The disappointment at grading

The indecisiveness of organisation

The sacrifice for those who are immature

The false accusation

I cried out and You taught me to pray, the prayer of David in Psalm 27

¹ The LORD is my light and my salvation—

whom shall I fear?

The LORD is the stronghold of my life—

of whom shall I be afraid?

² When the wicked advance against me

to devour^[a] me,

it is my enemies and my foes

who will stumble and fall.

^{³ Though an army besiege me,}

my heart will not fear;

though war break out against me,

even then I will be confident.

⁴ One thing I ask from the LORD,

this only do I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD

all the days of my life,

to gaze on the beauty of the LORD

and to seek him in his temple.

^{⁵ For in the day of trouble}

he will keep me safe in his dwelling;

he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent

and set me high upon a rock.

⁶ Then my head will be exalted

above the enemies who surround me;

at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;

I will sing and make music to the LORD.

⁷ Hear my voice when I call, LORD;

be merciful to me and answer me.

^{⁸ My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”}

Your face, LORD, I will seek.

^{⁹ Do not hide your face from me,}

do not turn your servant away in anger;

you have been my helper.

Do not reject me or forsake me,

God my Savior.

^{¹⁰ Though my father and mother forsake me,}

the LORD will receive me.

^{¹¹ Teach me your way, LORD;}

lead me in a straight path

because of my oppressors.

^{¹² Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,}

for false witnesses rise up against me,

spouting malicious accusations.

¹³ I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.

^{¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;}

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD.

In the midst of this pain and suffering, I pray that I will come forth as gold, that I can declare the following; that I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed, that I'm blessed beyond the curse, for Your promise will endure and Your joy will be my strength.

Further Disappointment

2011-03-18T17:36:00.005+08:00

Just had a glance at my grade before the system retracted it, and to say the least, I was disappointed. I believed I had endured much for the year, frustration at work because the bosses didn't seem to see the big picture and then there were countless u-turns in decisions.

It hurts when the bosses are deluded and don't remember their embarrassing u-turns, then label us as "confused". It happened just yesterday again. And when we showed our boss what was recorded in the minutes, she wouldn't let go and insisted that we further discuss but to her, we are still "confused".

I feared, that if my boss doesn't recognise that she was flip-flopping, then she would have the impression that I am incompetent ...

Yet I believed that I had performed this year, compared with the previous year. And that I was doing better than the other colleagues on the same grade. In short, I was hoping for a promotion even, thinking that it's about time that I get it too.

So I was disappointed and there was no way to voice my hurt other than to God. It was a let down, an unjustified end, at least to me. I believe that I deserve more.

In this moment of disappointment, your words comfort me. My God be my righteousness, I hold onto this scripture and expect You to right all wrongs.

Living Godly Lives in a Pagan Society

11 Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. 12 Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.

13 Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human authority: whether to the emperor, as the supreme authority, 14 or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. 15 For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people. 16 Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God’s slaves. 17 Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.

18 Slaves, in reverent fear of God submit yourselves to your masters, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. 19 For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. 20 But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. 21 To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.

22 “He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.”[e]

23 When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. 24 “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” 25 For “you were like sheep going astray,”[f] but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

For that I declare peace over my life, I may endure disappointment but I live in peace, that there will be a meaning to all these suffering. That I will be a man of influence, and salt and light at my position, even when it is not valued much by my Director. I will not sin but bid my time, and raise it at the appropriate moment, at the opportunity that you will present me.

Disappointment

2011-03-18T00:20:00.003+08:00

There was this article on the Straits Times on tackling inflation, it talked about a family, household income of $1500, trying to feed 2 parents and 3 kids. Towards the end of the article, an "expert" gave his/her "inflation tip".

While the article emphasized on how the family would eat all meals at home, and spend only $100 a month on grocery, etc

I was expecting the "expert" to reveal what are the available schemes that the family could look into, like Workfare, etc ... but instead, the "expert" gave the following comment:

Tackling inflation tip... from nutritionist Teo Kiok Seng: Instant noodles are all right once in a while, but try mixing white rice with unpolished rice. Also, powdered milk is cheaper than UHT milk packets. Vegetable protein, such as tempeh, tofu or even baked beans are just as good - and costs less than meat.

I wanted to puke

Love

2011-03-15T23:39:00.003+08:00

I feel for Japan, it is beyond what we put on our lips, but my heart goes to them. I believe it was planted during my years there. And through these, I had a glimpse of how God feels towards His people, the love and the willingness to sacrifice for them...

I want to challenge all who are following the news: what does it mean to you? does it change your perspective in any way? If not, then how is it different from the tabloid, or other gossip?

I want to remember this, that I will have such compassion for those who lost their souls, not just through this earthquake, but all who are unsaved.

Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours

Everything I am for your kingdoms cause

As I go from nothing to

Eternity

Luxury

2011-03-13T20:03:00.002+08:00

I was going through a rough patch just a few weeks ago and I suppose it isn't any much better right now. How should I put it, a lack of direction in so many areas of my life and I wasn't prepared to say how I can demonstrate my role in these places.

Firstly, work is like a bad joke. At some point, I would think that we had made some progress, only to be brought back to the drawing block the following week. The bosses are hardworking but lack vision. So externally, it gets demoralising; and internally, it gets frustrating.

The last straw was when I tried to help and suggested an idea, only to be shot down with insufficient reasons. And then 10 minutes later, they themselves brought up the same idea and they discussed. My colleagues looked at me, I was shocked.

I can see how things will turn out: after wasting much time running round in circles, the bosses will come to a position which I may/may not agree to and that's it.

That's work.

As for ministry works, there were times when things didn't move. While the body, mind and spirit were willing and after some toiling, there was no results to show for the effort. It got slightly better so I'm thankful.

And then there is the time issue. I just have no time/space for myself. I need a day which I have no activity planned out, or that no one would contact me and I can do whatever I feel like doing at anytime that I like, in the most convenient way. Which means it must be an off-day, non-crowded transport, and that no one would bother me except God. I used to have such time, but increasingly, I don't get it like before and well, I'm an introvert who needs such times to recharge.

I already know how I will spend such a day: wake up in an air-conditioned room by myself, spend a few hours swimming and sun-tanning while reading the papers, catch a movie by myself, shopping for clothes (I am desperate, I just don't have decent clothes), go home and nap.

With no chores, no obligations, and preferably having my own transport. I guess that's too much to ask for.

Frustration

2011-02-23T22:24:00.002+08:00

What would Jesus do? It's a question that I ask myself all the time at work these days. It is not about relationship with people but the lack of room to manoeuvre, that there is no right or wrong, and decision should be made by impression because it can never be fully substantiated by reasons.

I am just stuck. Tried making proposal to do it this way or that way but the bosses pointed out the flaws. But since there is no "right answer", no direction/advice was given. It's frustrating, the lack of speed, and no decisiveness to call for.

So much so that I blurted out in private that the bosses had no guts to make a decision (I regretted it, it wasn't the way a child of God should behave), but what would Jesus do in my shoes? Just trudge along till the bosses make a decision?

My Life

2011-01-18T21:20:00.010+08:00

I always believed that I had my life covered, that I knew what was going on in my life. Because of that, it was so surprising to hear what Stacey had noticed, and it was also a humbling experience, realising that God had been more fascinating and more abundant in His provision than I had perceived.

I had shared my life story back in August. How I lost my direction and found it again in an unlikely place. Found it when I was studying overseas, when by right, I should be lost in all the glitter and glamour of Japan.

http://vigilantlion.blogspot.com/2010/08/life-story.html

I have always been independent, brought up at home where all needs were met but nothing more. I used to feel awkward asking for things that I wanted because they were given with a condition. A condition for me to do certain things, or a caveat that it was a sacrifice made by my parents.

To the extent when we had to pay the fees for O Level examinations, the first thought was to withdraw money from my bank account. I could remember vividly that my initial thought was that I'm spending more money for taking more papers than necessary.

And perhaps, subconsciously, that also drove me to take up sponsorship for my tertiary education. Because I couldn't imagine spending my parents' money and be expected to return them with good grades, responsibility, etc. But such adolescent years also made me independent, a trait necessary for OCS, Japan, etc.

I didn't realise it before but perhaps, that also moulded my perception of the Heavenly Father. That I had to meet His expectations. Failing which, I would not be loved...

Then came Japan ...

It was during this time when I was alone, not expected to pray or go to church that I found God again. When I could be still, I could hear Him. Stacey realised it before me, that God also provided me with a different kind of earthly parent to show me the unconditional love of God.

My Godma is a Japanese and she loved me dearly. She had "adopted" 8 foreign students as her God-sons and God-daughters and I was her favourite (somehow we could connect well).

I could share things with her, knowing that she was always on my side and sometimes she would share with me her anxiety (about Hiroko not getting married soon enough). I didn't expect anything apart from friendship from her but she showered me with more good things than I had ever received or could have imagined:

She would stuff me with food and drinks (alcohol inclusive) whenever I drop by

She would make me bring fruits and biscuits back

When she knew that I was going to ski, she bought for me the necessary equipment

When it was the exam period, she sent me energy drinks etc

She planned for birthday parties for me (this picture was taken on my birthday party in 2005)

She wouldn't say anything negative when I brought my girlfriends for her to meet

Yet, she would bring me to a holiday to cheer me up after a break-up

She came and searched for apartments with me when I had to move out of the hostel

...

Through her, I felt God's unconditional love and I felt safe in her presence. Knowing that she would forever be supportive even when I failed my tests and exams. Her care and concern was not based on my success (not to say that my own parents were but they do have expectations which were stifling; I'm sure my Godma had expectations over her children but towards me, they didn't apply).

I was surprised to hear Stacey mentioning that I behaved differently before Godma, that I was like a little kid. And I know it's because I feel safe and protected and this should be the relationship we have with God. You can say that I met God in Japan and God was manifested through her.

The earthly life as we know it

2010-12-24T12:32:00.003+08:00

It's kind of depressing to look at the housing prospects in Singapore, a BTO takes 5 years to complete but the resale flat costs at least 80% more than a BTO (that's some $240k for a 4-rm?)

And then there is the consideration of single- or dual-income. The number of kids. Cars. Can't help but to feel frustrated sometimes when there appears to be other unexplainable hindrances.

Was talking to my colleague just yesterday, on how the big players are investing in properties and not stocks. yeah, I agree with him, even if both earn the same % increase in return. The principal sum for property is hugely increased when we can leverage on low-interest bank loans. The problem for me, I don't have the free cash to pay the 30% for a property so there's really no way to start discussions.

Yeah, can't help but wish I come from a rich family with loose cash for me to invest.

High and Low

2010-12-22T22:09:00.002+08:00

Was talking to my colleague who said that looking back, he's thankful to have landed the job, and given the opportunity to be in close proximity with Uncle Tony and other chaps whom many would only be able to see on TV. Well, I guess I knew what he was trying to say, I was overawed too when I started out working and sending my first submission to Mr Teo.

Just that I got used to it all, and perhaps I should try to enjoy such experiences again. Even the chore of waiting for Uncle Tony at the hotel lobby, etc etc.

Frustration

2010-12-10T21:04:00.003+08:00

It was a week of frustration in camp. And I wonder if I could have done anything better as the OC. Plenty of "rush-to-wait" and "wait-to-rush" moments for the men and contradicting instructions from the boss, trainers and underground works of GCT.

I mean, we can't expect much from regulars. They tend to think that all men are silly and that the KPI is to return to camp at 5.30pm everyday whether we do well (which could make us return earlier) or badly (because dinner is planned to be consumed in camp). I just want to say that we are not stupid and the men are not idiots and you just can't give us silly reasons and expect us to sell it to them and expect a good turnout. I had to put my neck on the chopping board to prevent a "mini-mutiny". What I want to say is that as NSmen, these boys cannot e forced, they must be willing and have the conviction to fight. While we are building the camaraderie, telling the boys to fight for the commanders who were with them on the enlistment day, to Brunei, to catch Mas Selamat together, to Taiwan, to CETA, to NZ; the guy had to bring damage to destroy all that through an address which lacked basic common sense.

Bravo is definitely the leanest company with just 2 officers running the show compared to 4 for our sister companies. I can't hope for much from the other 3 officers who were not with us this in-camp.

And then I got a good shock from S3 that commanders like me don't get to MR with the rest of the company and will be recycled to join another unit after that. Oh great, I will simply retire myself when the time comes. I can't imagine having to endure all these by myself without my trusty Bravo.

Lastly, the shock of all shocks, we were to pay for lost equipment that we did not even touch. I will warn my guys not to take over anything unless each tiny little piece of molecule is accounted for.

Had sore throat since wednesday and I realised that only fellow OCs will pity you because sick or not, OCs are expected to work at the same pace. I brought my illness along and charged up, shouting commands as men swarmed the knoll ... and what do I get for all these? a meagre $22 for half-day work on a saturday.

By the way, visited the clinic immediately after I got home...

Anyway, flying off to Israel tomorrow night for work. Time to clear emails.

Limbo

2010-11-30T22:01:00.002+08:00

I wasn't in the mood to work. I suppose it was tough when a couple of colleagues were away, and certain things seemed to be in the state of limbo.

Longing for a school break just like my brother and who knows, the ICT next week could well be my term break.

Rest

2010-11-27T11:26:00.004+08:00

After an insane weekend last week, this is supposed to be a quiet and peaceful break for me. But I guess I will never get that kind of solitude as long as I live in a community.

Satisfying this and that expectations, handling emotional blackmail, heeding socially acceptable norms, juggling work meant to be shared with colleagues who are on holidays and ICT; I long for that tiny 20sqm apartment that I had not too long ago

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matt 11:28-30

-.-

2010-11-20T11:44:00.003+08:00

While waiting for my boss to reply to my email, I have vacuumed and mopped the house, bathed and dried my dog -.-

Words

2010-11-14T08:26:00.005+08:00

I have always thought that I have known my folks well enough and it's amazing how much more I can still learn. Ok, it's not something positive and while it is too late to expect any change, it is still applicable to me, in the way I build a relationship with my kids in the future.

I was blessed because all my needs have been covered by my parents, since the day I was born. Yet, I still found it hard to ask for things that I want or receive good things from my parents because I realised that I seldom received them from a joyful giver.

There were times when I was younger and would ask my parents for certain things. They would usually give it, but at times, also with the look or words of disapproval, that they don't appreciate what I want. And it's more hurting when they didn't try to appreciate the soccer ball that I wanted but would see it as a waste of money.

I guess I knew it all along, and slowly but surely, I stopped telling them the physical things that I want. I suppose it didn't help that I stopped receiving money from them since I graduated from Junior College.

It's a regret, albeit something small and people may even find me ungrateful, but I am learning from this. That in future, it is not just the material things that I provide but it is more important to grow with my children, to love Ben10 or Barbie as they do, and then move on to idol groups like Girls Generation and Fahrenheit when the time comes.

marriage

2010-11-06T17:04:00.003+08:00

Hopped over to Bukit Panjang earlier today. Something stirred as I got to know that JR is facing a likely divorce. It's not really my business and I knew nothing in the background but vaguely speaking, he's still under my charge.

He sort of knew what I was meeting him for, to talk him out of ending a marriage. But listening to his side of the story, I have to agree that it could be the only way to go if the other side also can't give in a little. Such a sad case for a 24 yr old (she's a lot younger) and I am sorry for the baby.

Chatted for about 2 hours and it reminded me that marriage is something so practical. It's no longer the packaging but the actual content. And perhaps, it's true that someone should not be too young when they get hitched.

Super-sized me

2010-10-24T20:57:00.002+08:00

Alright, I took my ippt yesterday and it was my worst performance since sec2 (note, I started passing ippt/napfa from sec2 onwards).

Anyway, the world collapsed right from the start, feeling weird during shuttle runs and lost all my strengths in my legs after sit-ups (what's happening right?). It was so bad that even my mum asked "what's wrong?" Yes, it was rather unexpected.

With that, I booked myself another ippt appointment towards the end of november, to prove to myself that people in the late twenties will not hit against a wall in fitness build-up (contrary to what Alwyn claimed).

Although it was a bad outing, I'm glad I completed it at least. Have been getting bad spells of giddiness since 6 mths back and so, I was glad I had at least completed it. And who knows, I would be able to better empathise with not-so-fit ones from now on :)

Looking for a punching bag

2010-10-19T22:59:00.002+08:00

It's the kind of day when I just want to be left alone. No, I didn't have a bad day, not at all, just not having any private space/time for awhile. It's bad that I can't pin-point what's wrong but I suppose everyone has this kind of moments.

Excitement

2010-09-27T16:12:00.003+08:00

With nothing much to do at work right now, since I also worked over the weekend, I am checking out the map of Jerusalem and I can’t help but to feel excited about the upcoming work trip over the weekend.

I wasn’t really aware that Jerusalem was that close to the West Bank and I was totally surprise to find my hotel just 500m from The Old City. With the guidebook in hand, I believe I will venture out, maximising the 2 hours that I have on Saturday and 1 hour (or less) on Sunday.

Where did Jesus enter from on Palm Sunday? How do the religions share the Old City peacefully? If the Jordan River isn’t so far away, I would have gotten baptised (again) there as well.

Values

2010-09-16T16:46:00.004+08:00

There was an article on the Straits Times today, titled "Breakdown of values dragging US down" by Thomas L Friedman for the New York Times. I can't help but to link our own society with it too.

As the society becomes more affluent, people are less willing to lay down their lives, to step out of their comfort zone to fight it out. This has always been the requirement in the development of all societies. An excerpt:

Ask yourself: What made America's Greatest Generation great? First, the problems they faced were huge, merciless and inescapable: the Depression, Nazism and Soviet Communism. Second, the Greatest Generation's leaders were never afraid to ask Americans to sacrifice. Third, that generation was ready to sacrifice, and pull together, for the good of the country. And fourth, because they were ready to do hard things, they earned global leadership the only way you can, by saying: 'Follow me.'

Unfortunately, as nations progress, the societies lose the drive to succeed. Students are not interested in their studies, those who are good are less ready to take on a harder job, ... Another excerpt:

The US has had a values breakdown - a national epidemic of get-rich-quickism and something-for-nothingism. Wall Street may have been dealing the dope, but US lawmakers encouraged it. And far too many Americans were happy to buy the dot.com and subprime crack for quick prosperity highs.

As individuals, it calls for a different kind of parenting. We can't just rely on schools to teach the right values to kids or culture competitiveness through growing up. Being competitive in getting a higher score in computer games is different from being ready to serve the company/nation and be successful.

Yet, how many parents are just satisfied in buying that coveted toy to the children to appease them, to quieten them down?

Why Why Why

2010-09-08T23:58:00.002+08:00

Pastor is going to host an appreciation dinner for the teachers. While I replied that I couldn't go, a thought came to my mind, "why so special? to honor the teachers?" Not that I disagree the fact that we should honor them ... just, why only teachers. Am I the only one who think so? hmm...

Guess I will ask pastor when I have the chance =P

Agony

2010-09-06T00:20:00.002+08:00

Didn't have a peaceful time today, let's say that in the midst of the joyous occasion, there was an unsettled spirit inside of me. And at times, I was even bitter, yet I also know that when I look back a week from now, such things would have appeared so minor ... but still

It started off since yesterday I supposed, upon the realisation that my weekend would be gone with all the helping etc. I had said it times and again that I wouldn't want to miss any segment due to the fact that I'm helping out but it hasn't been working. As Joel had said today, I, too, would enjoy one where I'm just another invited guest.

And after completing the set of slide for work this morning, I was seriously unwilling to attend service. Simply because I hate wearing my office attire out. I could have made it slightly more special with blazer and tie but it wasn't easy taking the train in it ...

Then I saw the number who missed service... and those who didn't have to dress up because they had left their things in their cars. I must admit that I had felt bitter then. Why isn't there a family car? Anyway, almost none of the guys bought their own car, so why... I must say that I hate wearing shirt and pants on a weekend. Cos I wear it half the time in my life over the weekdays already and it isn't comfortable.

Became the receptionist and towards the end, it was nice to see some aunties. But I do wonder how it's like not having to help out in any way.

Mum also made a silly demand today. Blaming me for not introducing someone and because of that made it awkward for them too. Even a third party was stunned and commented that Mum was too direct. I just find it ridiculous ... and ya, it wasn't a good weekend for me and I will return to office tomorrow, trying to show love to all I get to come into contact with

Travel

2010-08-28T20:49:00.002+08:00

Was told that my parents left for the Natas Travel Fair this morning when I returned from my early morning tennis session. I suppose they have gotten addicted to traveling. Come to think of it, Vietnam in Apr, Hong Kong (was it twice this year already?) and another trip in November.

Anyway, after I got home. They happily updated that they had already signed up for a 7D6N package to Taiwan in November. So happening right?

I guess it's a good thing to travel and enjoy when they are still able to.

Life Story

2010-08-21T20:46:00.004+08:00

I had a chance to share my life story on thursday. I had always looked back to see how far I had come but it was different saying it out and letting others know. It's like, I could always come up with new perspectives and see God's footprint here and there but once I say it out loud, that would be the final version, at least what others will know.

It also didn't occur to me until now that it was a sad story, although everything had come together fine. I should prepare others to get ready the tissue paper before I next share it.

Why is it so tough?

2010-08-11T21:30:00.002+08:00

My boss had roped a few more colleagues in with the "mammoth" task. Somehow, with their inclusion, things became a lot easier. Not that the new recruits were extremely happy though they were professional enough to only sound out their grievances through jokes.

Came up with the analogy that we were at war and that Darius and I, the regulars had suffered mortal wounds and it was time for the civilian soldiers to be drafted to ensure our survival.

I wonder if work is always this intense.

I had caught a glimpse of the National Day Parade on Monday and I heard it was the best one for some time. Last Friday, I listened to some American post-grads who were given tickets of the Preview that at the end of the parade, they had felt part of Singapore.

Yes, it could generate a lot of love for our nation which would only start to waver the following morning ...

When we start to find ways to squeeze onto the train on our way to work :)

No, the MRT isn't crowded

Au Revoir Taipei

2010-08-02T22:49:00.004+08:00

It was definitely weird when I felt more satisfied after this movie than Inception. It's true.

Although Ren Jie said that it was the company that made the difference, I must say that there was more to it. First of all, I love movies that work on a low budget and this one was certainly one of them. Yet, it didn't feel cheap, every scene was necessary and brought out the humour that could easily be lost.

Anyway, it reminded me of Cape No. 7, I'm beginning to love Taiwanese movies as much as the Japanese ones.

Time

2010-07-18T21:44:00.002+08:00

It just dawned on me today that I'm reaching the age whereby a contribution of money is deemed so much simpler than a contribution of time. You know, there are certain things in my life whereby it is just not worth the effort and time ... and it's rather sad to also realise that it could only get worse in the years ahead.

I missed those days as a student when time was of abundance: spending time in the canteen to ogle at girls, sleep the day away in bunk, watching tv the whole day, etc

When will the idealist agree that it's not a matter of prioritisation anymore but a matter of information overload and the daily grind at breakneck speed.

「負けたことがある」、というのがいつか大きな財産になる

2010-07-09T23:11:00.002+08:00

「負けたことがある」、というのがいつか大きな財産になる。

競技ではなくても、このスラムダンクの名言がなんとなく耳元に響いてくる。

実は俺もこれで彼女のいない暦は３年半になってしまった。３年半前の自分なら、このように長い間そこまでモテていないのは想像しづらかったなぁ。おそらく東京にいたごろはモテすぎたかも。

お別れはつらいとしても、そんな経験で自分も成長できる。昔の苦しい経験により、今の自分がいる。前は負けたけれど、それほど大きなお宝ものはないと思う。

Work

2010-07-05T23:24:00.003+08:00

I declared today as the worst day at work since I entered this organisation.

Nothing wrong with the people but as we approach the showdown with the other Ministries the following day, we were still running around in circles for most of the day. I would personally expect deeper insights from someone but well, it ended up with Darius and me having no time for lunch, being in the bad light before the biggest boss, and didn't even have time for toilet break lol

My exasperation led me to raise more suggestions to get things done in a more effectively manner, or at least, the way I believed the biggest boss had wanted. I asked Darius a couple of times today, "Did I sound rude?"

"Nah, not at all," Darius was nice.

And then, I noticed something. My CEO, at the end of the final internal meeting, realising that Darius and I would continue to work while he would make his way back, said, "Sorry, I know we are overworking you ..."

It reverberated in my head.

You see, working a minion till he/she drops is a norm, and from where I came from, even though we may finish a meeting at 8pm, the bosses would have the rights to demand for an amended version of a paper by the same evening. a

Well, my CEO could have felt that since we two aren't duly compensated with the high flyers' pay scale, we were some miserable creatures but nevertheless, he didn't have to be sympathetic towards us ... and the fact that he did brought some warmth inside my heart

Ip Man

2010-06-27T20:43:00.005+08:00

The legend is born - Ip Man.

Since I couldn't find a decent picture for this movie online just yet, I will upload it another day. Anyway, I found this episode even better than the last two in terms of storyline and development. And for an instance, I thought I saw Ip Man receiving the Holy Communion. Hmm...

Old

2010-06-26T22:46:00.004+08:00

Somehow it ended up as a tiring day, I wonder why. Just lunch with JC friends, followed by tennis at Mary's. I played horribly and I need to up my stamina before it gets too late.

Anyway, as I was brisk-walking to Marina to meet my friends for lunch, I was approached by a model agent. And her face literally changed when I told her my age, err ... what's wrong with someone approaching 30.

Haiz ... I FEEL old

Help wanted

2010-06-15T23:23:00.000+08:00

Work is horrible, somebody please talk to me

Honor's Reward

2010-06-12T11:25:00.003+08:00

I am pretty sure that this was a blessing from the heaven.

I was simply going through my claims. As I passed my bills to the finance clerk, Julia saw me along the corridor and called me into one of the rooms. Well, with Julia, it's either very good news or very bad news, she wouldn't bother for simple chit-chats and so ...

"The Civil Service has recently reviewed the starting pay of officers and so ..."

Starting pay? But I have been working for almost 2 years ... anyway, for Julia to tell me something like this, the adjustment had certainly affected me. 95% of me was rejoicing inside, with the remaining 5% apprehensive ... "does it mean that I have a pay cut?"

Anyway, it was an increment and it was a blessing really. Just the night before, my mum came and asked what I'm getting my Dad for Father's Day. To put things into context, my Dad doesn't care about such things as gifts but my Mum does. I had already made up my mind to buy Dad's air ticket to HK in August and so ... Mum's next comment/question was, "wah, so nice, but what about my Mother's Day gift?"

Haven't I bought dinner for everyone last last month before my Cambodia trip? But well, no point trading blows. Mum and I are different and I acknowledge and appreciate this fact. But it's always easier for the younger one to adapt I guess and so I just asked her to tell me what she wants.

It's not about being insincere, just that Dad doesn't know what he wants and I know he will appreciate the air ticket; Mum knows what she likes and so I will leave it to her to tell me. She will appreciate it more this way.

Anyway, Julia told me that the adjustment wasn't for everyone and so, I couldn't talk to my colleagues about it. Many people could be enjoying this adjustment but I gave thanks. I believe it is His reward for an honoring spirit. I remembered my cynical remark about starting my own business following "Uncle KC's faith stories", I was like - how can I become a millionaire as a salaryman.

Yes, I still wonder how I can be a millionaire but the increment reminded me that He works through different ways. I was reminded too that I had really been blessed with my finances this year: increment in March, higher than expected PB in March, appointment as OC to receive appointment allowance, and now this ...

Perhaps I should satisfy my brother's plea on getting a car ... he has been telling me twice already ...

Is this how heaven is supposed to be like?

2010-06-09T20:28:00.002+08:00

Just came back from church camp and the miracles that I had experienced, the kind of fellowship, worship, words ... made me wonder if heaven is like that.

Yes, the burden in my heart must have been the games. I knew it was from God, with the kind of peace that we had when the concept was mapped out. And I had the faith to let things fall into place even when the event was to start the next hour.

Yes, I didn't know what the Cantonese folks were up to until they got up onto the stage. They were secretive and wouldn't reveal it, even to me.

I had always felt that Eddie is the perfect emcee for the show and I was a little disappointed when Ian first told me to task JH.

I could not criticise anything that happened over that 2.5hrs. And I know it was from Big Boss up there.

I shared before that I am a reluctant leader. And this planning reminded me of another role of a leader - To equip people with the best way possible so that they can perform to the best they cam. It was manifested in this way, the emcees, the singers, the dancers, the games, ...

Just that when pastor acknowledged my efforts and credited it to my love for the church, I was not too sure. Yeah, I have been around for many many years but I have lied low for a long long time, so much so that older folks couldn't link my face to my name anymore and I was fine with that.

And I didn't know if it was just my love for the church that drove me to spend nights planning and preparing. It was a combination of the burden that was placed within me during that flight back from Cambodia in December and my own sense of "pride" and "professionalism".

Anyway, my boss gave me work over the camp and I did some last evening. Darius, my good and reliable friend in office helped me a great deal and took over some of the load. I feel blessed already, that God could send someone to help me with things because I was spent as the camp drew to a close.

Blog

2010-05-30T20:49:00.002+08:00

The long weekend has come to an end, I haven't done much of what I had set out to do and it's difficult thinking about the meeting on wednesday and the camp proper. I guess I will do the most constructive thing this weekend by sleeping early.

My yandao brother, out of nowhere told me that he needed a car. And I was like "why are you telling me?" It's the second time he's saying it already. Keep dreaming bro lol

Disgust

2010-05-27T23:18:00.002+08:00

It happens once in a while, when I'm tired of rules and structures.

To put it simply, knowing that I've promised to join in an activity or having signed up for a marathon, should I still subjugate myself to fulfill these duties/obligations when my heart isn't there? I seldom ask myself this because it doesn't happen often but the reasons are clear, I believe.

Don't look at the preparations, don't look at the efforts. Take for example a planned trip somewhere, having paid a few hundred is one thing, but if at that point in time, I don't feel like making the trip: it's better for to waste that few hundred than to proceed and feel uncomfortable.

Guess I need less responsibilities imposed by people, but more responsibilities that I will gladly take up at my own free will. The life of a wanderer.

Burnt-out

2010-05-23T21:32:00.002+08:00

I blogged 3 paragraphs and the entire thing disappeared. I guess it got a bit too controversial so ...

Thanks William for organising the meeting after service today, you don't know how important it was for me that everyone was now on the same page for the Bangla Ministry thingie

Training to be soldiers

2010-05-20T23:50:00.002+08:00

I received a letter yesterday, addressed to LTA(NS) Brian Cheung, it read, "you are hereby appointed OC 787 ..."

Wow, that means I will enjoy more allowance. Actually that's the only thing I'm concern about, I think I will miss the liberty as 2ic: to move slowly with the 84 team, to ba long long to lead a 84 team fire base, not having to answer to CO ...

Happy Birthday

2010-05-18T00:28:00.004+08:00

I was so blessed over my Birthday, overwhelmed by the number of birthday wishes over that 24 hours. The wishes came in every hour on my Facebook wall that with each alert, I couldn't help but to recall the times I had interacted with this person and that person:

RSM and S3 whom I thought had disliked me cos I was prolly too intellectual for them

Chee Hean's former PA

Sanderson whom I got to know during my internship in 2004

Hux from CTC who also used the opportunity to sell me his financial policies

Army friends, Mindef colleagues, current colleagues, JC classmates, Tennis Club friends, friends from Language School, church friends, ... Simple as it was, it didn't have to be a gift or a treat, a thought was sufficient for me

Movies

2010-05-09T20:30:00.003+08:00

Have been a bit lazy with office work and all, and I must admit that SBS homework, etc had taken a lower priority in the recent weeks. As a start in the return to my blog, I will talk about the few movies that I had watched recently.

Shutter Island

A psychological thriller will never go wrong if the film reviewer is someone named Brian Cheung. The twist towards the end was good enough for me, and I could empathise with Andrew Laeddis' decision to "die a good man" rather than to carry on life "as a monster". If there is no purpose in life, why live it at all?

Ironman 2

I have heard mixed reviews but it was a good movie for me. My yandao brother lamented that the final fight scene could be a tad longer but then, we all grew tired of Transformers right? If we know that Ironman will win to save the day, let's get it done and dusted before we get tired of it.

It amazed me too, how some people don't seem to have reached their maximum capacity. Like how Tony Stark could come up with a new element at just one try. Was also amazed at how he demolished his house to build that atomic accelerator (or some form of accelerator), but it is the way we should live life, isn't it? Why hold on to things that don't give us "life", ya Stark needed that element to keep himself alive so well ...

Ip Man 2

Everyone told me that it was good. Ben even told me an hour before the show that it was a guy movie, one that could make a man cry (to that extent), so you could probably guess my disappointment. Yes, I agree that it was a good movie, nonetheless but ... better than the firt? I don't think so.

At $11 ringgit/movie tix on a Saturday, it may become a regular activity for me to spend a day in JB, watching 3 movies at one go.

That aside, it is impossible for someone to make the right decision all the time, isn't it? How apt it was when he chose to confront Master Hung and yet at other time, be gentle, slow-to-anger ... and the perfect timing to challenge the World Champion ... I pity Master Hung, we have to bear with it sometimes to survive, that was why he made the declaration that his conscience was clear. As for the police chief ... his downfall was not entirely due to his corruption, but crossing the imaginary line of going overboard ... anyway, it was supposed to be a feel-good movie and it certainly made me feel good.

Shoot me

2010-04-28T21:58:00.003+08:00

I have said before that I usually feel a sense of dread on the eve or day of travelling.

Even for my Japan trip last year.

It is just troublesome getting to the airport etc.

But not this time, I want to get away from my office.

I need a break.

Yet my boss tried to tekan me.

And I "rebelled".

I will worry about it after coming back.

Who knows, Jesus may come again this weekend.

Who cares about slides for next Thursday.

マイ武勇伝

2010-04-24T09:39:00.004+08:00

Met up with Queen over lunch the other day and at the end of the conversation, she commented that I do have a sense of clarity over things and the level of maturity to handle them.

Was lunching with my colleagues and I took this stand that rich parents don't necessarily represent poor parenting, such that all in all, it's better to be under rich parents rather than poorer ones.

Had talked about the issue of money and parents with Merv last evening and I reiterated that really, the only way for me to go overseas was to get a scholarship.

--------------------

I do have a switch somewhere, one that will change me from the reserved, intellectual young adult to one with warped ideas and doing things just for that split second of all round guffaw. But beneath all these, I am mature, or so I think.

I told Queen that I missed my younger days when I was more 'immature'. Really, I miss the days when I did things on impulse, then crash, and then picking up the pieces and grow in the process. Not to the extent of drugs, booze or sex because I had good grounding through the years of Christian teachings but those were my own 'legends' nevertheless.

I guess everyone has to grow up one day or another. People tend to be more forgiving when you are young and I can't imagine myself leading that kind of reckless/gung-ho life right now. Guess there isn't much entrepreneurial spirit within me.

And as the day went by after the lunch with colleagues and as I was talking to Merv, I'm sincerely thankful that my parents couldn't afford to send me to Australia or anywhere else. It sounds weird but I could never have led that kind of wasteful, reckless, or 'high' life if I was spending my parents' money.

Good or bad experiences, those were my precious growing up years and made me the kind of person I am today.

I look at my brother and I can't imagine myself studying in NUS or NTU. Not that they are horrible schools but I'm sure I'd have turned out very different if I were to have done my tertiary education here. The sad thing is: I could be doing better in school and earning more if I had a less legendary uni life in Singapore.

I suppose I can still enjoy those experiences by observing how I handle things. Being more sporting and taking more calculated risks than others are probably glimpses of my 武勇伝.

Prioritising

2010-04-23T22:14:00.003+08:00

It's been a while since I last updated.

Nothing much, really, just work and occupying myself with quite a number of CCAs such as SBS, Bangla Min, Family Camp and of course, my ultra-marathon. Work is not letting up but thank God my way of prioritising had been accurate thus far and glad that the bosses are aware of the fact that we can't do everything.

Had a Friday Wine Party which started just before 5 but I was called up by my boss and by the time I left 'jail', the cheese was already gone. It was alright, really, I always feel good leaving the office and it's the weekend =)

YC Anniversary

2010-04-11T23:58:00.005+08:00

Looking back, I guess I do like to challenge myself: Going to Japan was my decision, signing up for marathons, going through OCS just for the ceremonial sword ...

But I do have Out Of Bound areas where I will not venture into: Triathlon (knowing that I can't do a competitive swim), Singing (since I took after my Mum instead of my Dad) ...

I guess there are certain people in my life like Jael, who will drag me into this Out Of Bound territories, with me screaming and kicking, but have to thank her eventually for pulling me through the ordeal and giving me the experience ...

Some background ...

I thought I just had to sing a few lines after leaving church last Sunday for the anniversary

Then it was 4 bars of "entrance" on Thursday

With each words of encouragement (minus Jael's), I felt exploited. Because words such as "Oh I'm sure you can do it!" or "Jia You" felt so empty. At least Jael took time to give real advice.

Then I slowly realised that it's not so much of people's confidence that "Brian CAN DO it" that had resulted with me being given the role; but it was the confidence that "Brian WILL DO it" that mattered.

I started to wonder, is it the kind of trait I want to show others. Although spiritually, following Jenny and Mel's prayers last Sunday, to the gist that "may the Holy Spirit give Brian the strength to do what is required of him", I couldn't say no (disclaimer: I heard from the 2 that they had no idea I would be doing such a thing as they said the prayer LOL)

But it became clearer, that it's not so much of a character that I want to show people, but being sporting is just part of me. I guess "WILL DO" is a higher compliment than "CAN DO", because no one CAN DO everything, but WILL DO signifies the attitude that I WILL DO something even when I CANNOT DO it (under the normal circumstances).

Ok, I'm getting confuse myself, but anyway, thanks Jael

Discomfort

2010-04-10T00:21:00.007+08:00

Well, I didn't accomplish much today, and didn't attend any meeting. Was telling anais on our way back that I'm probably an overstretched rubber band, such that it's not returning to its original state anymore.

I wonder if I had brought this on myself, taking up this and that, attending this and that, ... It is so tempting to just retreat back into my cave for a moment and I miss the 2-month summer breaks that I had back in university. I can spend an entire day in the swimming pool, just floating around (not swimming)

Basically, I can't/don't want to think anymore. I can still do mundane stuff (such as fire-fighting) but not the strategic stuff, not when things change within days. Weekends don't feel like weekends anymore with activities piled up, perhaps this is why I enjoyed my training runs (time alone to myself).

I wish I am on my way to Washington now, I could have until my boss felt it wasn't necessary. I agree with her but how I wish I could still go and leave things aside for a moment. Just the long flight would have been fantastic. I'm just glad that we are not playing tennis at 7am this week since I can't even wake up for work these days ...

Sorry if I looked stressed, during work and even after work. I just wish I have the time to do things I like. Guess I just need someone's shoulders where I can rest my head on, without having to say anything.

-----------------------------------------------

Boondock Saints

I just love B-grade movies. Especially those that have attained cult status. I wouldn't place this in the same category as Memento, Fight Club, etc but it was a good one to kill time (not that I had a lot of it) - time on the train when I should have used to watch the SBS podcast.

Punching above my weight

2010-04-05T22:18:00.004+08:00

I suppose my training has picked up and I'm quietly confident that I can complete the ultra-marathon next month. Somehow, the training runs tend to get better when work gets tough. The correlation is such that I'd rather continue running for an additional kilometre than to stop and return to my work, such is the life of a foot soldier who stands in the line of fire, protecting the generals who may/may not know the situation on the ground.

We certainly need some directions but the bosses aren't able to provide them. I don't entirely blame them because we all know that it is impossible to make those kind of decisions, but still, they are in the better position to say something, given their pay, etc.

It doesn't help that I'm doing 2 persons' worth of work, and if there is no change in the coming weeks, things will just fall through the cracks. The programme in Washington is taking place next week and my boss will never release me because we are short of staff, and Mission is not obliged to help us although I started begging since last week.

Just hope that I don't get the blame when things don't work out, I would love to fly over but my boss is finding it unnecessary.

Yes, the ever-dependable Darius is on a holiday-mood since he's travelling to Phuket on Thursday, which means, I'll be saddled with 2.5 persons' work till the middle of next week.

From my humble opinion, there are several ways to go about this:

- Hire someone quickly; or

- Give me the power to demand things to be done.

In the mean time, running is a good distraction.

B-Boy

2010-04-04T23:02:00.004+08:00

I wasn't expecting it cos I can't sing and I know it.

But I had no qualms entertaining on stage.

I guess I couldn't say "no" after the prayer from Mel and Jenny. And honestly, it was a tasty role - Licensed to Act Sei (heh)

Just that ... as much as Ben wasn't feeling comfortable with entertaining, I'm not comfortable with my voice. Will see how and will prolly stay away from EVM this week.

Hear the Breathing

2010-04-03T11:39:00.002+08:00

I'm tired. Supper on Thursday, Drinking last evening, tennis this morning. But I guess it was the best way to spend a weekend, maximising it and the complain about how hard it was. Heh.

It's a trying time for me, in many many areas. I doubt I can put it clearly into words, it's like having many half-done projects waiting for completion, yet there is no such thing as "completion".

Family - Career - Friends and even God

I might have been carrying a bit too much, I should have "no plans" for my weekends, not even committing to do household chores =)

Needing a drink

2010-03-31T19:16:00.003+08:00

Mum was commenting on my outfit, is it alright to put it up? What if your employers see it? Won't they find you childish?

Can't deny that it was a genuine concern from her. But then again, hiding it won't change the fact that I do go all out to play hard when I'm off work.

I think that it is just old-fashioned to think that people good at their works can't be funny at the same time. I'm sure there are those who can laugh and joke over meetings and still come up with excellent points and creative ideas. So, why stifle it if it is the real me.

I wonder how my boss will think, really. But I'd hope they are those who can appreciate an employee who works when the time calls for it, yet game enough to goof around for the sake of fun. It's depressing enough with so much loaded onto me already, why stay in that mould when I can hear a joke and laugh about silly things.

Re-started my running today. Had put it off since my food-poisoning experience in February and the brutal workload over the past few weeks. I doubt there is enough time to train for my 84 but I really want to finish it and then to retire from long distance running for the rest of my life. Will see how it goes, think I'll do another run tomorrow.

Japan =(

2010-03-29T19:03:00.004+08:00

I miss Japan, yet I'm glad to be back. I missed the energy, creativity and the freedom over there. Yet I'm glad to be away from the climate where I could easily end up chasing after the wind, being a person with appearance but no substance ...

I guess Tokyo has such a comfortable climate where I could easily depend on myself without prayers and without God, made more so because of the tight schedules from meetings to meetings. In the efficiency and need to handle issues/challenges well, it was so natural for me to claim credits for the successes, especially when I was the point-man.

Yet, these successes didn't fill me. Even the meet up with friends, it reminded me of my past life when I relentlessly ran in circles, chasing after the wind, for vanity, for personal glory.

It was tempting, to get that little bit more of glamour, for fame, for something earthly. I think I have had a glimpse of it: more money than I could spend, popularity to the extent of inviting jealousy, pretty girlfriends ...

Yet when the music fades, I would realise that these things don't really satisfy. I guess I wasn't in tune with my spirit over that 4D3N of work trip and it was an uncomfortable experience.

For this reason, I'm glad to be back.

Japan =)

2010-03-28T11:18:00.004+08:00

Yes I have tons of work on my table and I'm here trying to escape from reality. But really, it was the most enjoyable work trip that I ever had so far, though I was staffing my bosses, there wasn't much stress: partly because they are nice and easy to travel with and partly because Tokyo is really my homeground.

Boarding the plane, there was this girl pushing her backpack up the luggage compartment and she looked familiar. I settled to my seat behind her and realised that she looked just like our national swimmer whom I read during the last SEA Games, etc. Not to mention that Darryl had commented on her legs before so we took extra notice.

Unable to suppress my curiosity, I confirmed it and yes, I managed to talk to one of our local celebrities (in Economic Class though). I should have taken a picture (I'm sure she'll oblige) but my hair was in a mess that morning. So ... Yes, she was Ms Quah Ting Wen

I started with 20th Century Boys Chapter 3. Ok, I knew the itinerary and my brief well and there was no need to memorise the timetable etc during the flight.

The show was horrible. Chapter One started off very well, with sufficient mystery and cliffhangers and would leave one to pine for the sequel. Chapter 2 was still alright because some questions had remained unanswered and Kenji Endo reappeared just before the credits, thus setting the stage for a grand finale in Chapter 3.

Unfortunately, it was a let-down. The idea of throwing in questions wouldn't work in Chapter 3 and it did a bad job in trying to answer some of those questions. In the end, it was just a mistake committed by Kenji Endo in his younger days which caused the entire destruction of mankind, some 3, 40 years later (Ha ... Ha ... Ha ... Ha ... Ha ...). I thought I had wasted 7+ hours of my life with this trilogy.

Up in the Air

It was refreshing and you can't help but to love George Clooney. I guess the casting was important because the movie needed the audience to love someone who goes around firing people because their bosses do not have the guts to do so.

It dawned upon me that in our Civil Service, presentation and persuasion skills have been undervalued although they are such important assets in the working world outside. Anyway, it is a wonderful movie, highly recommended.

It wasn't easy with the trip planning, because my Director (who did not travel with us) was adamant that we should avoid congestions at all costs because we may end up missing the meetings, and being the former-student of the land, my only mean of transport had been the trains. So when we switched back to hired vehicles, the meetings were already set based on the estimated time needed for taking trains and we ended up early for most of our meetings.

It was therefore good that we ended up 10min late for our last dinner there. We were advised that the trip would take about an hour. Though I had catered for another 30min, we were still late by 10, I guess my boss could see therefore how unpredictable the traffic could be.

Anyway, I was out every night for the 3 evenings. I used to station myself in the hotel room, waiting for calls or sms-es from my boss, asking for this or that data but I didn't bother this time round. For the first night, I went to Akihabara in search for my Pikachu pyjamas lol.

At Donki Joitei (I knew I could buy it there, opening hours 10am - 5am), I found a lot of the others (Pooh, Tiga, Batman, Stitch, etc) but just not Pikachu. Anyway, I wasn't planning to buy there and then so I noted the section of the 4 level store and came back out. I couldn't buy it because over half of my suitcase was filled with gifts and I didn't know if we could give them all out or if we would be receiving anything from the hosts. To play it safe, I didn't make the purchase which I actually regretted.

I had more time for the 2nd evening, the dinner ended before 9 and I was invited by Anna for desserts with her aunt. There were 3 ladies there, with Anna's future sis-in-law. Though it was the first time for me to meet with the aunt, she had heard much about me since the time Anna and I dated. It was a short meet-up with lots of teasing from them. They were trying to sell Anna to me again and we had a good laugh, they must have thought that I was some Todai elite who travels around with my boss, staying in 6-star hotels and meeting with Presidents and Chairmen of companies on govt/companies' expenses although I reassured that all credits go to my boss.

The dinner for the 3rd night ended only at 10. I took a 45min journey to meet with my God-ma at her place. She must have appreciated the efforts to spend 90min of travelling time just to meet for 30min. It was a nice time of catching up, and she must be a very happy mother at this point in time as I'm blogging because Tetsuya is getting married today.

Watched Chinese movies on my flight back:

To Live and Die in Mong Kok

It was not a new genre, portraying someone with split personality. But it managed to infuse it cleverly in the Chinese triad environment. I could understand why the movie won several awards in the East Asia market. Cinematography wasn't spectacular but the portrayal of the good, bad and ugly, with their different agenda was commendable.

Fight Back to School

Don't ask me why but I wanted to watch it. And then, I realised that I couldn't laugh at most of the jokes from the early-90s. I guess the jokes etc had also evolved over the last 20 years and my experience with the quirky Japanese entertainment industry didn't help matters.

kirakira

2010-03-24T22:32:00.000+08:00

ジョアンに会ったのだ、しかもお兄さんのお嫁さんとおばさんに!!!てか、なんだよ、こんなメンツ!!!

なんかおかしいけど、おもしろかった。自分はまだ彼女をできてないから、ジョアンの彼氏の話を聞くとちょっとは嫉妬感もあった。ぶっちゃけかわいいとはかわいくても、そんなに性格がよくて、中身からかわいいとは言えないのに、なんとなくいっしょにいたい気分もなった。

でも、こんな場合でよく話し合えても、やはり性格、背景、信仰などいろんな面が違っていて、むりやりにしても幸せになれないよね。だから押しが弱い訳ではなくて、無理かなぁ?

なんども会いたいけど、なんどもこんな気持ちが生まれてくる。

本気に眠らせるしかないかも。

Alice in The Hurt Locker

2010-03-21T10:43:00.004+08:00

As there is no urgent email to attend to, let me update my blog, yay yay

It's been a long month and I don't feel rested at all. People have been dropping by, asking if I'm ok (I guess the stress is finally taking its toll). What to do ~ the portfolio of a more senior ex-colleague is on my shoulders, not to mention that my name (or Darius') is one of the first to be called when something happens (hope she doesn't have my no. on speed-dial lol).

Yes, I haven't been feeling rested. It could be due to the Amazing Race video, or my weekend 7am tennis, or SBS class, or just simply because I had dived into the planning for family camp ... Nevertheless, I'm planning to see the doctor after my trip, my digestive system is doing well either.

I was talking with Eileen the other day, that I can be rather unsympathetic. I can't help but to wonder if the problem actually lies with the person himself/herself (be it poor attitude or not being good enough) when he/she struggles with work, etc all the time. With that, I started to question if I'm not good enough in terms of capability.

The Performance Bonus news was a timely one yesterday, it gave some assurance that I had prolly did ok for the past year.

-------------------------------------------------------------

The Hurt Locker

I am a war-movie junkie. When I was studying, there was a period when I had watched ALL the available war-movies in the DVD-rental shop. So you could imagine my high expectations after hearing that it's won the Oscar.

But then ... hmm ...

The portrayal seems real nonetheless but I've watched "heavier" ones before. And even when the Sarge left his family behind to another year of duty ... it didn't hit me at all.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Alice in Wonderland

Quite a number of people had mentioned that it's not worth watching but if we want to do a skit on it ... then I would have to watch it right? Contrary to what the purists claimed, I kinda enjoyed it tremendously. Probably because I had not really read the original version.

Just like Kaiji - The Ultimate Gambler, I felt the original comic to be more profound and deeper and darker than the movie adaptation. I guess the original is always better.

Alice isn't entirely new to me. I had spent a month playing Kingdom Hearts and so the characters weren't new to me. Even the banquet table of the Mad Hatter, the Red Queen etc. Of course, Sora was the protagonist in Kingdom Hearts so these Alice characters provided only vague memories: much like how Alice couldn't remember that she had been there before ...

I kind of like the Red Queen though. I couldn't help but to feel sorry for her. It wasn't her choice to carry a big head, she was the eldest and should rightfully claim the throne, she might have her warped way of doing things but don't we have weird bosses too (and we are to be submissive)?

All in a day's work

2010-03-16T23:07:00.002+08:00

Meeting with Tony

Grabbing a handphone from a friend for my trip next week

Leaving for SPH to staff Tony

Shaking the hand on former Japan Finance Minister

Siam an inter-agency meeting to write briefs

That's my day

Well, I really believed I had earn the right to be angry yesterday. Let me try to convince you.

My boss will be on leave from Thursday and she mentioned to me last Friday that she probably couldn't clear my briefs because she is packed with meetings. Then I realised that of the 5 meetings she was in yesterday, I was with her for 4. (Why make me sit through all your meetings when you know that I do not have the time to do finish up the other things that you arrowed me to do?)

I asked her last week if I could extend my work trip for the weekend and she said no. (Well, I half-expected it since unlike my other colleagues in the previous trips, I'm the only minion around so I guess I have to baby-sit my boss all the way)

Then she made me the point-man for anything related to Israel, Japan and Russia ... Not to mention that I was with Darius to do the inter-agency stuff. All because my colleague (who earned more than me and handled Israel and Russia) had left some 3 weeks ago and I still don't see anyone coming in for interviews.

Because of that, I had to staff a teleconference for her yesterday with Israel, staff Tony for Japan, and staff Ming Kian with Israel again tomorrow. All these while, I had to bug the Japanese to firm up the visit schedules for next week.

And when NTU suggested that we could meet with another Israeli University, she sent it to me to arrange. As I clarified with her that it's not possible since she will be on leave and her boss will be in Japan, I realised that she had misread it as this week ... I was like (huh?) ... you send me something at 4+pm on Monday, thinking that I can fix and staff a meeting on Wednesday while preparing for the trip next week?

Yes, everyone in office was expecting me to visit Washington next month because of a wonderful project that my boss has given me (one in which I will get to travel to Washington to do a presentation every April, everything paid for by the Americans), and when the invitation came in over the weekend, she told me that it's not practical to go and that Contact can present on our behalf, with Brian preparing the slides. This was a huge blow.

Imagine, not just the arrows but the loss of benefits that should have come from the work that I was doing, I really believed that I had the reasons to be angry.

And then this morning, I found out that an indirect arrow had reached me. Well, my colleague got a mail from somebody who wants to discuss something with us, he sent up to his boss, his boss arrowed my side, citing that it's more appropriate for our side to take it up (which I'd agree), and my boss just forwarded to me to arrange ... It was part of the portfolio of the departed colleague, and with this arrow, I realised that I have fully inherited this former colleague's position, yet continuing with my own stuff to clear.

Same position, same pay, no benefits, does the Honor's Reward model still work? Will I get a windfall like what was preached time and again? Ok, it could be unseen treasure if I keep my mouth shut and not complain ... I will just state the fact: I have been overworked.

I couldn't remember the last time when I was that angry, as angry as yesterday. And even when my colleague joked about me fumbling and getting myself fired, I could picture that this place will suffer more than me since my service was used in so many places.

I guess when the PA of my Director starts to talk to me with sympathy (since my name perpetually appears on my boss' calendar), that probably would tell you something.

My boss is ok as a person, but she can't prioritise and can't distribute the work properly and I feel horrible, knowing that I'd be able to earn at least double when I'm working this hard in the private sector.

Alright, enough ranting.

もしもし

2010-03-09T21:56:00.003+08:00

Boss would like to meet with his friends during his visit to Tokyo and so, following the names given by him, I had to make the arrangements. Of the 4 friends whom he had mentioned, his PA could only give me the email address of 3. As for the last person, I was given a telephone no. dated 6 years ago.

Hmm...

As a civil servant, we are not to go to the boss for such a small thing though it is the most logical thing to do: he must have the recent contact details since the person is his friend, who knows, he might introduce his friend to me on fb and it would be so simple to send an invitation by writing on his wall.

Alright, daydreams aside, I made the call and asked for Dr Kaneda

「Oh ... ok, just a moment please」

There was a short pause before the female voice at the other end reappeared

「I am sorry, Dr Kaneda is not in, but I will give you his number ...」

But I would prefer an email address ... but i guess, my English had bothered her and so ...

「日本語のほうが分かりやすいですよね？」

And so, Dr Kaneda was no longer in the company (come on, it's a no. from 6 years ago) and the person whom I was speaking to worked for Dr Kaneda before he left. Apparently she has his new office no. but not his email address.

I made another call with the new no. and managed to get the email address from his PA, this time too, in English.

Somehow I didn't want to use Japanese until when it was completely necessary. I realised that I had no problem with Japanese at all after conversing with PA1 but I guess I didn't have the confidence, and it feels weird for me to use Japanese when I am not expected to understand it as a staff officer in the civil service of Singapore.

I guess I need more Japanese telephone kakis, and then it will be natural for me to pick up the phone with 「もしもし？」 instead of 「Hello~」

Need some love over here

2010-03-08T22:29:00.002+08:00

ものすごく大変な一日だった。

いつもの会議がなんとなく午後２時まで延びちゃって、ようやくお昼食べれるかと思いきや、４階のやつの電話で、急にまたボスの部屋に行かされ、４時まで用のない話を聞かされて、もう気持ち悪かった。

どうやって人を愛せるだろう？その時俺の顔色はきっと悪かっただろうなぁ。

もう自分にお疲れ様。

世界の中心で、愛をさけぶ

2010-03-02T23:35:00.006+08:00

最近昔の漫画をまた読み返した。

それで本棚のところに一冊の日記を出して、元カノとの交換日記だった。

映画「世界の中心で、愛を叫ぶ」を見てから、真似してこのような出来事を始めたわけ。デートの話、日常の事々を書き、お互いへの思いも。なのに、その後の２、３ヶ月で別れた。今振り替えたら、この日記が一つのきっかけだったかもしれない。

なにかと言うと、気持ちを書き始めたら、いつもより系統的に思考をし、やはり若い恋が持続できないかも。もちろん、浮気相手、そして自分が２ヶ月も海外研修のことは原因だった。

それらを別にして、今この日記を読むと、５年半前のことを少しは思い出した。これはいわゆる純愛ではないか。初心に戻り、昔の気持ちへ戻ることができなくても、自分なりにその一段の恋もあったことは、今はものすごく幸せに感じる。やはりその時に彼女を愛したことができてよかったと思う。

そして、この一冊の日記が自分の元にあることは、彼女が絶対読めないこと。彼女はもし思い出したら、読みたいだろうか

記憶の中に　君を探すよ　それだけでいい。
無くしたものを　越える強さを　君がくれたから

Moving Forward

2010-02-28T22:15:00.002+08:00

It wasn't easy talking about education, not exactly because I didn't want to recall the entire episode but probably because I had forgotten the negatives that came along with it. I had expected a free dialogue of 'challenges for young persons in Singapore' to be about the rising HDB prices, the rising healthcare costs and implication on us supporting our parents, the nearing of maturity of our economy that pay increment doesn't keep up with inflation, etc etc

But it was fun for me, even if it was boring for others because I'd expect myself to fall asleep if I was to be seated with the crowd. Anyway, I tried to picture my life as a working adult but to be honest, the feeling of inadequacy seldom gets to hit me, not because I feel good about everything that I do but I have that foundation. Yet, what hit me was: so what is the effective way in parenting? Nah, Matt doesn't have the answer, I had checked with him.

Came home, filled up one spreadsheet and didn't bother to write the minutes nor to check emails. I'll just head down to office early to deal with it. I spent some time reading the comics that grew up with me when I was still in school.

It's time consuming but it is also a cheap and simple way to meet with the characters who spent the growing up years with me and it feels good, flipping through the pages, which makes me believe that the kindle and i-pad have their limitations.

Yes Man

Finished this on the train. No we can't just say 'Yes' to anything but an occasional random 'Yes' to something we are not too sure about can work wonders. Although as a responsible civil servant, I should not be taking risks.

Catch-Up-On-Work Day

2010-02-27T13:40:00.002+08:00

Haven't been updating here because I had an unbelievable week. Either I'm working slow or the load is just too much, before I knew it, it was already 6pm for all the days. Meeting slides were prepared 3 hours in advance and it's not hard to imagine typos being projected onto a large screen (haiz)

Evenings had been good (till Thursday that is), signed up for the SBS class and found myself doing homework upon reaching home at 10-plus. My Mum must have been so impressed to see me hitting the books rather than mindless farming games but I was burnt-out come Thursday - I mean, learning and using a new technique was still alright but when we began to study a concept (activities that require more brains), my mind experienced an auto-shut-down (haiz)

Friday was no better, the day started off with a morning inter-Ministry meeting which I had no bandwidth to look at until 30min before the meeting. I couldn't write the minutes because my mind was numb and so I sent out emails after emails in the afternoon (for Japan, for Israel, for Russia, for EAPSI, for the spreadsheet) and I literally felt the significance of the wise-saying: You Reap What You Sow because I left for a coffee break and soon found my inbox filled to the brim with email replies (you sow emails, you get more emails lol)

Saturday is supposed to be a rest day/catch-up-on-work day. My parents were off to Vietnam and I felt a bit bad that I didn't see them off this morning (by the time I woke up, they were already gone). Twisting and turning to get up at 11+, bathed my emo dog (by myself!!!), ordered pizza, sent out 4 emails (which took me an hour) and here I am, again with a frozen brain, still saddled with 1 set of minutes and wondering if I really want to go out this evening =)

Upload

2010-02-21T21:47:00.002+08:00

I wasn't feeling too good today and I guess Pastor really has the kind of "spider-sense" within her. I had wanted to upload all the matters that bothered me to her, and the feeling was so strong during service. But as Ian finished his message, these matters seemed so trivial that I started having second thoughts.

While I was talking to Pei about her trip to China and the SBS class, Pastor came over and asked if I was waiting for my turn to talk to her. Without thinking, I just blurted out, "I was thinking of doing that but I'm not so sure right now...(smile)" But knowing how tough it is to book her time (in general), I thought to myself, "I might as well upload everything to her."

I felt so much better releasing everything to someone I can respect and trust, and had also gotten something about the scripture that I had difficulty understanding for a long time:

I didn't understand the state of mind that Jesus was in when He prayed for the cup to be taken away from Him. With such physical reluctance towards pain, yet Jesus followed God's will and obeyed. Was it Jesus' mental strength that prevailed?

It had much significance to me because I hate to live a life of a vulnerable christian: always sounding weak and turning to the Big One up there for help because I believe that we are victorious and overcomers. So much so that I psych myself up mentally and tell the body that the tiredness isn't real, in order to push myself a little further.

And so, when I have the discipline or sufficient will-power to refrain from sinning, (like Jesus going against His "human-nature" and subject Himself to the cross), is it just another part of self-help?

Pastor gave a simple answer and I wonder why I had not noticed earlier. Jesus gave up His own desires and sought God's will. The power to overcome temptation comes from above and it comes only when we empty ourselves.

I'll pray a similar prayer today, as the one I prayed earlier when I was equally troubled - Abba Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.

Apologies for the over abstract entry for today, but it was a life-changing experience for me and has to be recorded =)

Prejudice

2010-02-20T20:25:00.002+08:00

I read a recent forum letter by an airline passenger who was rejected his flight because the airline couldn't find 2 available seats for him (due to his size). He felt that he was discriminated.

Then Pastor Rony Tan got into more trouble with another video, this time depicting his harsh words on homosexuals. No I haven't watched the video but from the articles that I had read, those on the receiving end felt it was the kind of humiliation that they had to endure.

While I don't judge people who are obese, I guess taking care of one's responsibility to look after his/her appearance. I understand that there are those who balloon due to health reasons and I feel sorry for them but a large number had to be responsible for their own size, be it due to eating habits or the unwillingness to exercise. Since it is not an overnight change from someone who is of acceptable weight to one who is obese, my point is that one should take some responsibility before crying foul and demand the whole world to treat him/her the same way as others.

Similarly, this is how I will respond on homosexuality, I hope I won't be dealt a Rony Tan because of this.

Astro Boy

I thought it would be sad to be Astro Boy. Given the power and compassion but unable to grow up as a human being but remain as a robot. But it's a movie, and we always love a happy ending =)

The Taking of Pelham 123

An anti hero thriller, which is fast-paced and enjoyable. Just that Garber's reaction towards the end of the movie seemed surreal: shouldn't he still be in a state of shock?

Bring it on

2010-02-20T10:20:00.002+08:00

Was having these experiences at work over the week:

Had an inter-ministry meeting which was in effect my departed colleague's portfolio. As I didn't have time to read up on it, I had recalled something that he mentioned while I was in the cab. Glad that I had called him to clarify as it was needed at the meeting.

And then I realised that I was the most junior person at the table and the DD next to me asked if I was from the International Relations department. Well, according to the portfolio distribution, I am the only person doing international relations so ...

And then there was this meeting on Monday when we had to invite people from various Ministries. We thought that everything was done and dusted until Darius came and talked about the slides for presentation, then I realised that we made an oversight and did not invite a key Ministry. It was that kind of "Eureka" moment and while evrything is settled at this time, I can't help but to reflect and realise that no one is watching my back (cos we had presented the list of attendees several times and no one noticed anything amiss). Let's say that no one covers the star player because he should be able to fend for himself (heh)

Work is one aspect but there are also other areas where I am battling. I was doing my QT a few days ago and this illustration made by Kenneth Copeland encouraged me. He said that every sports player strives to reach the highest level and when they reach the Premier League or NFL or NHL, these guys meet the toughest and meanest enemies but will not pray that the coach doesn't pick them. Instead, they relish the challenge.

The scripture was 1 Peter 4:12-19

Not trying to spiritualise everything but it is not too difficult to know what came about because of sins and what's not. The experiences now are likely to be of the latter. The harder it gets, the closer it is for me to reach a breakthrough.

I should perhaps start penning a self-help book heh.

If Only

2010-02-17T23:21:00.004+08:00

I realised that I had taken over 2 hours to come up with the minutes this evening, something which I could have completed within 30min in office. Well, I was on ebuddy but I didn't regret the time taken because my friend had brightened up my day.

It wasn't always like this which sort of make us treasure such times more than before.

And her randomness definitely made me laugh on the day when I was given a lot more responsibilities at work and when I had carried over emotional baggage from yesterday. I needed an outlet and the friend was god-send.

If Only

It was such a simple movie. If only we could choose again, we would likely behave in a different way and make a different kind of decision. It is the fact that everyone lives to regret something that I'm pretty sure everybody could dig this one.

Which just made me think to myself, if only ... but then again, I'm glad I am where I am today which would not have been possible if there was indeed an opportunity to turn back time.

自信

2010-02-16T23:36:00.002+08:00

誕生日のお祝いとしてはとっても楽しかったけど、もう一つのことについてはまだ痛いかもしれない。

とっくに諦めたはずなのに、おそらく諦めたと言うよりもお正月のごろの気持ちから少し落ち着いてきてただけで、あの子がそんなふうに親しくやってる姿を見るたび、思わずにしっと感も生まれ、思い切りに遊んじゃうとはいけなかった。

「神様、あなたは万能な神で、この苦難をうちから取っていてください」

もうこんな自分が嫌なので、開放できるように、神様に託したい。そのために神様に捧げたいと言うものの、もう自分のものではなく、イエス様に渡したいと決め

この辛さを知ってる方がいないでしょか？だれかに訴えたいけれど

The invention of lying

2010-02-15T23:27:00.003+08:00

Went over to pastor's house for CNY celebration and couldn't help but to ponder where her words to me came from, it's getting irritating being the point of focus over such stuff, which takes place again at home, etc. Just plain irritating.

Anyway, watched this movie - The Invention of Lying

In an alternate world where everyone tells the truth and everyone trusts one another to the extent that the word 'LIE' isn't found in the dictionary, someone found out how much he could achieve by lying.

Ok, it was a silly movie, and the freshness just got stale after 30min or so. It was a B-grade with Jennifer Garner and that's about it.

9 Law Abiding Citizens

2010-02-15T09:53:00.003+08:00

How do we submit to unfair treatment when the enforcing party isn't aware of the damage that is being done? At least the Israelites could grumble among themselves when Pharaoh ill-treated them. My mood is already better now after my sleep but I am staying away from my mum at least. She could apologise to Dad but I need to hear the apology to know that she had really reflected about the incident and many more in the past, till then, I need to protect myself and the best way to do it is to stay away.

Honour's Reward, Submission to Authority, Prosperity Gospel, these are the topics that are so tough to bring across in the correct manner that I applaud the Pastors who try to bring it up. I thought it was appropriate to talk about prosperity on Day 1 of CNY but then again, while the scriptures or other materials were there for his use, the nuance was somewhat different. Not to mention that a Pastor who is overseeing Missions may have a hard time preaching on such topic.

--------------------------------------

I could remember Karen saying that it must be good since it was a Tim Burton movie. It was nevertheless good but it wasn't that kind of dark genre that I've associated with Tim Burton. Anyway, it was a feel-good movie and fits into CNY atmosphere =)

No I didn't watch it during service

Law Abiding Citizen

Sheldon brought vengeance to a new level when his retaliation was not just on an individual but the entire judicial system. It was captivating, and had the right elements of a suspense movie but thinking a little deeper, you know that it was impossible to happen? I mean, how many guys are really good inventors and have the resources to do all that? Unless if you are Michael Scofield perhaps.

The Lovely Bones

2010-02-13T13:22:00.002+08:00

My Dad is such a kid, falling ill for over-eating the CNY goodies. It isn't the first time, whenever there is stock for goodies, he'd tell us to eat in moderation and more often than not, it would be my Dad who ends up having a sore throat, etc. You know, kids lol

Alright, Simon is leaving this Wednesday and I am taking over his Israel portfolio. I don't know the details in the agreements with Technion and Weizsmann and neither am I aware of the proceedings with Hebrew University. Well, I guess I should just be happy that my boss is confident in piling me with more work ... I guess I have to read whatever I can over this 'long weekend' and ask Simon as much as I can on Wednesday.

The Lovely Bones

It is refreshing to see things in a different perspective, becoming Susie Salmon and coming to terms with her own murder while watching the aftermath in 'heaven'. I appreciate the acting but the story was just too sad for me.

Seeing and Hearing things

2010-02-09T22:42:00.002+08:00

With regard to the steamboat dinner on Thursday, Chor Ing wrote in the email that read "I have 20 ladles at home ..." and i thought she had 20 ladies at home ...

Anais was ranting "Brian~ it's hard ..." and I heard it as "Brian is hot ..." Talk about one being full of himself, come on, can you beat that.

The Blind Side

I can't help but wonder if I want to be Michael. I doubt so, I think I'd want to be the husband of Lea Ann. I thought the movie had everything that was needed and part of me just wanted to follow to see how Michael fared in NFL.

Kisses

The Arty Farty kind of show screened at the PictureHouse. Though it was just 72min long, I couldn't bear to watch any longer because an extension would have meant something more sinister happening to Dylan and Kylie.

Anyway, I also watched with envy, I mean how often could you spend to the last cent on something you like without thinking if you have any money for the next meal? The kids did, and they didn't need any Plan B, or hope, just closed the eyes and went for it.

Bravo 12

2010-02-07T09:40:00.004+08:00

Had a wonderful dinner last evening though my stomach was still churning. While everyone seemed to be willing to meet up, no one was willing to get the hands dirtied to organise something. And at the end, it has to be the usual few 'on' people like robert, mervin, marcus, justin etc to do the logistics and planning. Come to think of it, the last time I met them was at the ORD-function after I burnt the office microwave oven. As for an occasion when we really could talk and laugh without the men, it was just before CNY last year.

It was fun talking about old war stories, all the boo-boos that we made, watching the old war movies starring us and feeling sad that we were so much slower than the heroes in the war movies. My best memory was still the commanders' training, a 2D1N excursion whereby the men were given a day off while the commanders went out for an exercise.

It was fun because everyone knew what to do and there was the minimum level of enthusiasm. Not to mention that robert was made to dig a shellscrape for the first time in don't know how lone. There was added memories because I thought I suffered the most (by my definition), handling the role of 2ic in occupation and then switching to PC-runner with the 4kg cellphone of the 1920s.

Hearing the heroics of A○EC, how I wished I was part of it, and I'm pretty sure the few who sat by the listen felt the same way.

Kaiji

2010-02-05T00:26:00.004+08:00

Fast & Furious 4

There is nothing new in this genre, just pack in fast cars, good-looking girls, fight scene and crashes, couple with a plot that explains why certain things take place and you earn back enough to create another serial. There is nothing fantastic here, yet I don't know how to describe it.

Ok, I just got back from cell, actually feeling groggy. Guess I should sleep for an hour more tomorrow, a balance of work, gym and social activities is important, yet I'm still trying to figure out what's the right mix.

Alright, I'm not here to sacrifice sleep and blog about Fast & Furious, in fact, it is for another movie that is not out in Singapore just yet. There is this huge advertising board at the City Hall MRT station, and in place of The 20th Century Boys III, there was the poster for Kaiji - The Ultimate Gambler.

The movie came out in Japan in October 2009, I was in Japan then and had wanted to catch it. I am a huge fan of the comic book series of this psychological thriller whereby Kaiji - a 26-yo bum, was caught up with debt when he unwittingly became the guarantor of a loan taken by his friend. To repay the loan, he had to take part in an unusual gambling ship 'Espoir' (1st Series) where fellow debtors pit their 'skills' against one another to clear their debt, the losers will be thrown underground where forced labour is conducted till they can clear their debt.

The illustration in the comic is horrible but the message behind it is strong, yet dark. Every series is contained within the pre-determined 13 books and at no one can predict whether it is a happy or sad ending. The comic portrays the various aspects in the human life, and in relationships: Trust, Promise, Unity, Greed, Betrayal, Skeptism, etc and as Kaiji participates in each round of unimaginable game, he grows, and there are plenty of theories (unfounded or otherwise) that one is unable to deny its truth in this godless society.

It has left a huge footprint in me and I'm glad I get to catch in soon in March (though I have already read the story). Kaiji is the voice of many in this world - A desperate desire to do a wholesale change in their lives - such resonance that I can imagine as real, a real force in the society, when one doesn't have hope in the Eternal One.

Japan in March?

2010-02-02T21:37:00.003+08:00

So much for the Economic Strategies Committee, the report is available online and I had a read, a lot of qualitative assessment and who will know the sweat and man-hour behind all that. Anyway, I wasn't that involved, just showing my face at one of the sub-Group and provided materials when needed.

I was just wondering if a foreign labour levy would work. As someone in the private sector, I would continue to pay the levy and hire foreign workers if the combined cost is still below that of hiring locals. And if the cost is high, there is nothing much that would stop me from moving the operations overseas. To conclude, a levy adopts a negative incentive approach. The thing that we need is to assist firms to increase their revenue, and with that, the productivity will grow, and of course, that is the tough road to go into.

Anyway, there are some who feel that the curb on the influx of foreigners is temporary, till Elections before it gets ramped up again. Politics is a tricky matter, and not every single decision could be justified.

I need a punching bag at home

2010-01-30T12:06:00.004+08:00

It's not that I don't want to help in the house, but I want to be able to plan when I'm required to do something. Yeah, I do find housework a chore and it contributes to my burnt out, and that's why I tend to procrastinate on such stuff.

That's why I tried to dissuade Mum from painting the house, but she wouldn't listen. I could feel she was getting irritable since the start of it, which is also understandable because she IS indeed the only one still doing it.

She asked me to help her with the higher part of the wall behind the TV this afternoon. She knew that I'm going out (though I hadn't tell her the time) and in my mind, I needed to know the time. My instantaneous expression must have been horrible but well, could you let me know in advance what your expectations are? Instead of something ad-hoc.

She's calling off the event for Dad, citing that we should know what parents really want.

I didn't have anything good to think of my Mum for that moment: I'm not doing that to get favours or to think that it's what my Dad wants. In fact, if I ask, he'd not want something like that but I'm pretty sure he'd be blessed by it. Anyway, I'm taking responsibility if it goes wrong, but I still need the minimum support, the POC to the older generation.

This is just so petty. I wonder how I will comment when I'm asked about the painted walls: It looks wonderful but I still don't think that it's worth the horrible mood swings that came along with it.

Zombiefied

2010-01-28T22:51:00.002+08:00

Ok, the working hours has finally returned to normal, it wasn't fun running around from hotel to office to fusionopolis to office to hotel ... leaving home before my parents wake up and returning after they've gone to sleep but I guess that's what is required of a working adult.

I believe I have chalked up almost $100 on cab fare for this week alone.

I still owe my Director 2 sets of minutes but there is a meeting at the Peter Ho-level tomorrow and since Darius is at the reservist, I will have to present so I was preparing for it today.

Being tired is an understatement, and I actually told people around me that this was a good week to catch the H1N1.

Alright, work aside, I have watched Hachiko - A Dog's Story.

And I will give it ★☆☆☆☆

Cos it's so slow!!! and there was no climax to the movie (I wonder why it was made into a movie in the first place) and I still prefer my Coco

Change

2010-01-24T23:22:00.002+08:00

I had always thought that I am the egoistic kind. The kind who thinks too highly of himself.

I wasn't expecting a return of prayer, I just felt that Pastor needed some encouragement but got a dose of her prophesy instead. But the thing that really caught me by surprise was: No more condemnation.

I had to clarify, do you mean my condemnation on others? or others' condemnation towards me? But the answer was "your condemnation of yourself, times when you thought too lowly of yourself and lost the identity in Christ"

Took a cab to Haw Par Villa for my dinner and the taxi driver was extremely chatty. I don't usually take the front seat when I'm alone but somehow, I sat in front today and he began by asking about my phone, and then started talking to me about church, etc. He's from Zion Gospel Mission. He wasn't a learned man but his groundings were there, he talked much about what I had already known and could only agree with him. But the line which shook me was "Condemnation does not come from God but from Man".

Have I been too self-conscious? Have I been beating myself too hard over my imperfections? Well, at least I know that I'll not be losing sleep over this =)

Hangover

2010-01-23T23:47:00.002+08:00

Slept 7 hours last night but still woke up with a hangover. No I didn't break my fast on alcohol and it was probably due to tiredness heh. Over the course of 2 days, I realised that I'm actually spending a lot of time doing things that I don't agree with/enjoy.

I was with boss for the whole of yesterday. Just because we are meeting Chee Hean, it doesn't mean that I have to be part of everything when I have other things to do. Anyway, I couldn't get on with my work till say 7+ pm last evening. I told my colleague that I'd probably need 2 Extra Value Meals to get myself happy heh

I joked with Darius at 7+ last night that I felt like I had been raped (yeah, it's a horrible thing to say to real rape victims) but it was a kind of surreal stillness at that time when I could look back at the 'ordeal' to take stock of what was happening. Anyway, I left office only at 11+ but the few hours in the evening was more enjoyable than any minute during the day: at least I could clear and not, pile work =)

Woke up feeling groggy but then I had promised Mum to paint the balcony. So with my trusty yandao brother, we started work and got it done in 1+ hrs. Seeing that we still had lots of paint left, Mum wanted (us) to paint our bedroom.

Taf and I protested - there was just no need to paint, and calculating the cost (the time and effort of Taf and myself), it would not be worth it.

Anyway, Mum declared that she'd do it herself and we just resigned and let her do a bit of the prep (newspapering the strategic areas), hoping that she could see the light and realise that it's too much effort for nothing.

After 5 minutes, we heard the first 'tsk' and sigh. We took over.

We were wondering why we were such model kids when our parents were like that (yeah, they have really been blessed). While Taf resigned himself to receiving rewards in heaven, I still wasn't convinced. It's just spoiling our parents, and they are continually behaving more like kids to me. You know, the spoilt brats who cry and roll on the ground till you give in, come on, she could never have been able to complete but she chose to get herself in it. Kids ...

Well, we painted it in the end. We made sure that Mum played no part because we wanted to do it quick =) And though the room looks new, we still feel that it wasn't worth it.

Glad that Mum didn't need much convincing to our plan for Dad's birthday. Just that she was concerned that the people invited would have to spend etc. Anyway, I'm the one spending and if Dad would feel bad, he can always buy me something bigger =)

New addiction

2010-01-20T23:09:00.005+08:00

Yes, farming isn't really my forte these days.

I started on this Browser Romance of Three Kingdoms by Mixi and it was just amazing. The simple structure, where one has to spend time to gather resources (wood, rocks, metal and grains) to build all kinds of structures and weaponry before conquering other lands (some occupied by another player in the world).

It is more complicated than the farming ones, yet it has the right balance of being challenging yet doesn't cost too much of my time. Moreover, it can be accessed through Safari on my Iphone which means that I get to declare an offensive as I board the train and check its result when I arrive at Bishan.

Oh, no downloading is needed and it can be played on the browser itself, talk about innovations?

What would my family do without me

2010-01-18T22:28:00.002+08:00

I was sharing about my tough week at work on Friday and Dawn mentioned that she couldn't tell by looking at me. I took it as a compliment, I don't want to carry the "Look at me, I'm dying" face though I could really be dying (think about my A&E visit last week).

Had wanted to gym today and so I left home early. It was the kind of school-going time for kids. But after settling down, I could tell that war would break out once everyone arrives and I had to come up with the slides first (I had left it half-done last night).

True enough, it was war. I wonder if it was worth working so hard at my current pay-scale. Well, definitely not, I can earn more working elsewhere with the kind of effort put in. Anyway, still being able to leave at 7 isn't a consolation when I started work before half-past 7.

Anyway, came back and bought the paint for our balcony at the DIY store.

Well, Mum will not get my Dad to buy because it's kind of heavy. She will not buy it herself since she's a lady. I was half-expecting Taf to do it but apparently, Mum wasn't so far-sighted to buy paint when the work is to be done only on Saturday.

But I wondered why it seemed that I'm both the brain, the brawn and sometimes the bank of the house lol.

Mum called me up in office to check the air-ticket prices for her (she eventually got Taf to do it since I was busy but then ... I thought she should have gone to Taf in the first place, or better still, learn how to use the internet =.=).

Her pair of spectacles broke and I was just tasked to buy super-glue at the DIY store.

etc etc etc

While I know that I also depend on them, I can't help but to think that my folks are too reliant on me sometimes. Not that I'll complain before them but until I get used to having 4-5 hours of sleep each night. It's going to get a toil one me.

Love

2010-01-17T23:37:00.006+08:00

I didn't feel comfortable doing what I was supposed to do at the Cambodia sharing. It's not about the activity but I felt that the timing wasn't right. Had felt it since yesterday but I didn't know how I could bring it up since it had been planned and so many people had been expecting it.

So I was relieved when Pastor postponed it herself. Yet at the same time, I regretted not voicing it earlier myself. I guess I should have obeyed the prompting even if it is not a popular vote. Pastor summed it up for me: Bless you to give your funny side and serious side to God to fulfil His purpose.

I guess, I haven't given too much of my serious side yet. Something I have to remind myself.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Been procrastinating and here I am, struggling with the slides. We are to use it to brief Chee Hean on Friday. My Director wants to discuss with Francis tomorrow. Not much left but it looks horrible so I'll have to spend much time refining it.

ARGH.......

----------------------------------------------------------------

Alright, let me talk about happy things. My Dad is turning 60 in May and I want to do something different for him/to him. While he's a wonderful person and all, I do want to help in curing his jaded heart and it's a good opportunity come May. If he can see how much he's loved in all the roles that he plays (ie. a co-worker, a sunday school teacher, a brother, etc) his perspective may indeed be changed.

And I think a free meal is an additional incentive for people to come to bless my Dad. I have convinced my brother to do something and as for Mum, she'll take another 2-3 days but I'm sure she'll see my point when I leave her alone to mull over the idea for that 2-3 days.

I mean, why wait until someone is dead before letting him see his fruits over the years of his life (if he can still see, that is). I guess, there goes my Performance Bonus for the year and I am obliging myself to do an 1-up for Mum when the time comes.

Am drafting out the Admin Brief and my yandao brother will execute lol. Not that I'm the brain but because he's got the time.

I'll need to:
- Convince my Mum
- Inform my aunt and uncle in hong kong to make plans to fly over
- Find a POC to inform and check how many from his sunday school class will come
- Find a POC to inform and check how many of his colleagues are keen to come (tricky)
- Book the restaurant
- Other minor admin stuff

Wondering if 6 tables would be enough.

----------------------------------------------------------------

It's my parents' 30th wedding anniversary on 2 Feb. They are looking to visit Taiwan (their honeymoon location 30 years ago) and after lunch yesterday. We chanced upon this Wedding photos + overseas travel package. My parents instantly laughed when we suggested that they have a look (who says that couples can't get married and have wedding shoot in their 50s).

In normal circumstances they would not be sporting but I kept the namecard just in case. I thought it'd be quite appropriate for them to dress up and have a photoshoot overseas: celebrating 30 years of love/tolerance/bickering/partnership.

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Well, Merv, this is for you

誰にも見せない泪があった
There are tears that are not shown to anyone

人知れず流した泪があった
There are tears that no one will ever know

決して平らな道ではなかった
It is definitely not a smooth path

けれど確かに歩んで来た道だ
But it is on the path that I made my journey thus far

あの時想い描いた夢の途中に今も
Even now, I am still on the journey to fulfil this dream

何度も何度もあきらめかけた夢の途中
Time and again, I was about to surrender, but here I am

※いくつもの日々を越えて
After countless days and nights

辿り着いた今がある
I have finally reached where I am now

だからもう迷わずに進めばいい
That is why, I will not hesitate but simply move forward

栄光の架橋へと…※
To the bridge that leads to glory

悔しくて眠れなかった夜があった
There are nights when I could not sleep due to regrets

恐くて震えていた夜があった
There are nights when I trembled out of fear

もう駄目だと全てが嫌になって逃げ出そうとした時も
There are also times when I had wanted to run way because I seemed to have lost everything

想い出せばこうしてたくさんの支えの中で歩いて来た
As I reflect, I have actually come to this point by all the support given to me

悲しみや苦しみの先にそれぞれの光がある
There is light at the end of the tunnel of sadness and bitterness

さあ行こう　振り返らず走り出せばいい
So let's go, do not turn back but run ahead

希望に満ちた空へ…
To the sky that is filled with hope

誰にも見せない泪があった　

人知れず流した泪があった

(※くり返し repeat)

終わらないその旅へと
To the neverending journey

君の心へ続く架橋へと…
To the bridge (of glory) that continues to your heart

Invictus

2010-01-16T00:40:00.001+08:00

Really had a tiring week at work. Got to handle a rival agency and their uncooperative tactics, got to prepare my boss to protect our own turf, got to brief our bosses on the events on the ground, ... sleeping at 1 and waking at 6 this morning, you must be able to imagine my relief when the meeting with Tony ended before lunch ...

I had wanted to gym but due to some interference, I realised that I didn't have the time. Well, let's be positive and conclude that my body still requires an additional day of rest =) The time now is 12.45am and I have tennis at 7am again ...

Am I being too harsh to my body, well, there are too many people/things to get in touch with/do: Work, Church, Tennis, Family, Colleagues, Old Friends, Marathon, Gym, etc that something has got to give, till I drop dead =)

Anyway, I managed to catch Invictus before the screening ends and it was an uplifting movie!! The beginning seemed draggy and slow but the final one hour was an epic. This movie had effectively beatified Nelson Mandela and if the movie was half as accurate as the actual event, then I must say that I could never have dreamt of someone so perfect, humble and forgiving, and his only other rival would be Jesus Christ.

By the way, among all the contact sports, I love rugby. Soccer is The Beautiful Game but rugby is the game that requires more teamwork over star players. And as boys, we always enjoy the crunch and an occasional fight.

栄光の架橋

2010-01-11T21:23:00.003+08:00

Running 84km isn't just about arrogance and vanity, it certainly takes commitment in preparation. Have been waking up early to do my runs before work and this song by Yuzu just came up (it was the Theme Song for Athens Olympic Games in 2004).

While I'm never going to reach anywhere close to an athlete, I could understand the lyrics of the song.

There are tears that won't be shown
And there are tears that no one will ever know
It's definitely not a smooth journey
Yet I have made it to the end ...

作詞：北川悠仁作曲：北川悠仁

誰にも見せない泪があった　人知れず流した泪があった
決して平らな道ではなかった　けれど確かに歩んで来た道だ
あの時想い描いた夢の途中に今も
何度も何度もあきらめかけた夢の途中

※いくつもの日々を越えて　辿り着いた今がある
だからもう迷わずに進めばいい
栄光の架橋へと…※

悔しくて眠れなかった夜があった
恐くて震えていた夜があった
もう駄目だと全てが嫌になって逃げ出そうとした時も
想い出せばこうしてたくさんの支えの中で歩いて来た

悲しみや苦しみの先に　それぞれの光がある
さあ行こう　振り返らず走り出せばいい
希望に満ちた空へ…

誰にも見せない泪があった　人知れず流した泪があった

(※くり返し)

終わらないその旅へと
君の心へ続く架橋へと…

--------------------------------------------------------

During the meeting in the afternoon today, I felt a sudden chest pain. It hurt for a full minute and then it'd subside for a while before hurting again. It wasn't the typical muscleache but I felt that my heart was being squeezed and it also affected by back and shoulders.

I recalled the run this morning, but it was the same pace and distance as last week. Told Darius and I'd return to office first as I wasn't feeling well but I was restless for 1+ hour. It hurt rather badly and I did a google on chest pain and cardiac arrests. Fortunately, it subsided almost completely at 5.30pm or so.

I chose to see the doctor and left promptly to Tan Tock Seng. Sms-ed my Dad and Taf that I'd be heading there because of chest pains and I was completely at peace. Thinking that if anything would happen, I'll need to tell them about my shares over here, my account over there, etc. I wasn't afraid of dying, but I'd hate to hear the doctor telling me that I can't run or play sports for the rest of my life.

Registered myself at A&E, took the Blood Pressure, ElectroCardiogram, X-ray of lungs, etc. Dad came and joined me but there was no panic at all =)

The Doctor gave the assessment that it was probably due to tears at the inner muscle walls from physical exertions. She said that I should worry if the feeling was like being stepped on by something heavy, breaking down in cold sweat and being out of breaths.

I guess ... My Heart Will Go On

=)

2010-01-10T22:05:00.001+08:00

Facing the storm as a 17 yr old

2010-01-09T17:50:00.002+08:00

Recalled how during cell, Jing and Ian shared about their relationships with their parents. It gets interesting when parents start to treat us as a friend and seek advice from us.

Mine came during JC but since my parents were not as authoritarian as others to begin with, it wasn't a weird transition. And since my Dad didn't have to serve National Service, there wasn't any advice from them, instead, it was more like a plea, "Safety first, don't stressed yourself over army."

I guess I learnt from a young age that I can't burden my parents, not that they wouldn't care, but because I feel they're unable to help (partly because they have treated me as an adult when I was 17).

Running on the Reserve

2010-01-08T23:29:00.000+08:00

Looking for the nearest petrol kiosk

Mini-Victory

2010-01-07T18:37:00.005+08:00

Had a long long meeting and I'm too sian to work on the paper so ...

You know how often the banks call you up to apply for this or that credit card and to open this or that account, offering this or that rebate or this or that free gift. And at times, I'd just become soft-hearted and make an application (I had even signed up for a credit card because my friend needed to earn commission from my application), while knowing full well that I have no use of an account to take loans. Well, the time has come and I was billed for an annual fee. I was resigned to pay but to prevent it from happening again, I made it a point to close off all the cards/accounts that I do not need. After numerous phonecalls, I managed to even have that annual fee waived without having to continue my subscription (or whatever you call it)

Oui, C'est Petit Victoire Moi (probably grammatically wrong but who cares lol)

The amount is just what I need for paintball on Saturday. Yes, Yuko had labelled me a 浪費家 before: I can spend money away on things easily. But just not to a bank in this way.

Speaking of which, my Mum grumbled that I am wasting $60 on paintball alone because I rant occasionally that I have no money (probably when she bills me for Coco's snacks and medication). Well, my Mum doesn't really know how to sugar-coat her words and the tone isn't always nice. But then, after the initial irritation, I started to think about her words and looked into the list of participants for paintball.

I do get what my Mum had wanted to say (in a better perspective of things). Though many in YC have come from privileged homes, there are at least 1 or 2 who will probably struggle to pay that kind of money for 3hr of fun (think about spending $10 on a long movie as a comparison). And persoanlly, I know at least 1 who was priced out though I believed the person could well afford.

Money, money, money, such a touchy topic even in a church setting. It is a tough call and there is tension between "sharing out of love" and "responsible living". I guess everyone has got different standards.

Haiz