Nothing to prove

Finally understood why I was so unmotivated for the past year.

Don't get me wrong, I tried my best in whatever I was to do, I went the extra mile and had the basis to substantiate all my complaints about poor management, and indecisiveness of the higher people because honestly, I know I've done my best.

Yet, the spirit wasn't in there and then the revelation of the reason is that : I had nothing to prove at all.

Coming back, I could do nothing about my grades and though I could have done better by being more shrewd, etc. There wasn't anything I could do to improve on it anymore. And now that I'm back, I began to realise that it wasn't that easy going out there alone to do what I had done. Didn't realise it because I met up with so many foreign students but back here, I'm the minority and really, I'm proud of my Japanese knowledge. I didn't have to show off or wayang because I know my worth and ability.

On my bond, my job is secured though it took interviews. My confidence took a jolt when I missed the last interview with EDB CEO, but nonetheless, I know that my short-term future is secured. Though there are people who performed better, I know that when it comes to the crunch, I can last it through better than anyone. And that I didn't have to sell myself really hard.

NS-wise. Unlike others who returned to resume their Cadets' Course. I was commissioned long ago and I kept my rank. I had an easier task with regular counterparts and the light was on them to perform and me to sabotage their effort. Being paid so much less, the focus was never on me. And we are a sheltered breed because unlike the specs, we didn't have to earn as hard the respect from the men. Even in CTC, I just took time to heal my emotional struggle while the regulars tried to cram everything into their heads, I had it easy because I was myself.

At home, I know that my parents are proud of me. They've stopped giving me pressure long ago. I didn't have to do things to earn their approval and perhaps, this is the greatest gift from my parents.

In church, similarly, I don't care about the image I've built because God can see through all the wayangs. There is no pressure and no expectation to reach. I thank God for the foundation I had and it had kept me through the years abroad.

I finally realised the reason behind the nonchalent behaviour because hey, I had nothing to prove and though I thought my lack of motivation was bad, it was a blessing to recharge before I make a bang a few months later. Things may be different when I start work and be stressed but I've tasted how it should be like, being God's child in all success and failure and there is nothing I can gain or lose because of my performance