Struggles

Woke up at 6 this morning for tennis, quite an achievement since I don't even wake up so early during workdays. Although I like to keep my weekends with little or no plans, I am in a dilemma to make my weekends more worthwhile and to deceive myself that the weekend is indeed long, I try to do more things (rock-climbing, tennis, etc)

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What I want to say here may cause discomfort, I would hereby warn that I would not be responsible for any hurting comments or otherwise due to my thoughts indicated below:

The title refers to my struggle in church because I realise that I'm not learning anything there.

I didn't understand what Joel was saying at worship, about home and heaven, and it didn't seem to link.

Pousson's message was simple, and direct but apart from some new ways of expression, it wasn't anything new for me and it wasn't much of a reminder because at least at this point in time, I am ready to let go of everything good and bad.

I didn't understand how he touched so many because it didn't speak to me and well, as I said before, we are giving our lives week after week in the alter calls. Not that it is bad to respond but I always worry that a push for the spiritual level which is so high at the service will serve a greater fall after.

Perhaps it was my 5 years in New Hope Tokyo that I am worried new-comers would back down after seeing such things. I don't know how to explain and more so when I don't agree with it. I don't enjoy the 'just respond because we should' attempt at explaining, though I have my reservations because not everything can be explained.

I don't enjoy the OIA in cell sometimes because it is so much of regurgitating the service on Sunday. If I've paid attention on Sunday, I want to do something else in cell. I'm getting frustrated because I'm getting nowhere and it is not about doing for the sake of doing, but I want to enjoy something meaningful and I'm not finding meaning here.

This simply capped the end of a week of OTs and tiredness.