On the way home with Mum after shopping yesterday (I swear it was quality time), we started talking about the meaning of life again, after my rant about 2 weeks ago that life seems pointless to me. There wasn't much of an input from her, just a revelation that following my rant, Dad had received some meaning to his life, the fact that I'm all grown up, so he had achieved something.
That's what HE says, but what about me? My Mum will never understand, she'll compare with her salary when she started working 30 years ago and believe strongly that I am loaded; she can't understand why I have to work at home or to work late because my Dad who is in operations doesn't have to worry about anything the moment the bank is closed for the day/the weekend. Nevertheless, she talked about contentment. While I know it, I still can't truly convince myself that contentment is the key to enlightenment.
It seems like everyone whom I see around me is just so successful: Scheme C Army Officers, Admin Officers (AOs) in the Civil Service, at least an MA for the younger ones, Perm Sec, rich family, people driving the EVO etc. While I can preach about trying not to compare with others and storing treasure in heaven, these are real issues and I can't help but to feel insignificant in my circle, and who can deny that these high-flyers are also storing treasure in heaven?
Went to Hannah's house and talked with fellow 'farmer' Civil Servants and was surprised to see some 'lingo' not frequently used by others in the Agencies or the Private Sector or even in the Church. Terms like: motherhood statement, bandwidth, 'farmer' or 'scholar', etc. It seems that AOs are really the apex of the Civil Service and they are the minority (though I see them everyday and am impressed by their ability).
I am just torn, because I am coming to grips with the fact that I am born to be mediocre, made worse by the fact that I have tasted something different in my time overseas. At times, I feel worse than being mediocre and start to doubt about the 'potential' that others seem to believe that I have. Reading through the sports section today, I looked at John O' Shea and felt a lot of similarity between us.
He must have a lot of doubts too, with so many talented stars in the squad just like my work place right now and the people I have to mingle with.
He doesn't mind playing out of position as long as he can contribute, I don't mind working on different jobs, if I can feel useful.
He is adored and recognized by others because he is in Man U, and I believe he must have doubts about whether he can thrive in the lesser teams, I do feel that all the time, my rate of work is likely to be below my peers that I don't know if I can really shine even if I move to a lesser office.
He may still earn millions but seeing Christiano and Rio driving (one of their fleet of) their Ferraris to the club everyday, he must understand that he owns only 2 Lambo compared to Ronaldo's fleet. No one has to tell me that a lot of people are working a lot harder and still don't get my pay but hey, is that the approach I should adopt?
With all these questions and issues I struggle with myself, I take heart that I have the bandwidth to think about them. I guess there are others who are busy making ends meet that all the energy is spent just earning another dollar; conversely, I wouldn't bother thinking if I am in the privileged club of the MAs and AOs because I would have reached the earthly heavens (in Singapore, not yet global) and may be too busy and stressed with every performance.
I wonder if I will have answers to these 5 or 10 years from now. Or will I be resigned and say that all these are just childish and thoughtless rants? Will I take after my Dad and recount only the blessings and accept that I can never do better than just being mediocre? Guess I don't really have the joy right now, though I have the peace (can it happen?), I know life is short and I may just die the next minute but if I don't, the next 40 or 50 years isn't exactly short when I look at it now, how should I make the most out of it?
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