Brokenness (Literally)

It is always weird to talk with people who are regularly seeing the elites and for the past 2 days, our conversation revolved around the fact that it is meaningless to be in the civil service unless one is in the AO scheme.

But I'm not about to talk about the fairness or the competition there but how poor I am feeling recently. I had never felt rich before, or maybe I did, the first time when I banked in my 6mth worth of allowance at the age of 20, I was an instant millionaire (albeit in yen) and I felt rather rich, a feeling that I had never felt before or after.

Following my recent Japan trip, there is the Cambodia mission trip, and then the birthday presents for this person and that person, and some other church stuff that I am turning from a cheerful giver to one who is unhappy. I hate the fact that people perceive I have the ability to come up with the amount when I personally feel poor (I have announced several times that I'm against the celebration of poverty).

Yes, not everybody could just fly over to Japan and then to Cambodia on impulse but I don't feel that I'm well to do. Perhaps it was how I was brought up and that whatever I own now, had been bought with my own money, I know it is no big deal, and many others are in the same situation but I do envy those who come from the family that can give them a headstart. I wouldn't mind having a car to drive, or in a condo so I don't have to pay for gym membership, etc

Nevertheless, I feel a sense of guilt whenever I think of holding back, that why can't I just give this one more time if I can treat myself with nicer food and all but my defensive self is arguing that I have worked and am still working hard and there is nothing wrong if I choose to enjoy the fruit of my labour.

So what's my point, I don't know. Much as I want to be a cheerful giver, to be that ultra-chill person who can believe in "Money come, Money go", I feel the tension, the need to let others know that behind the deceivable exterior that seemed to be doing just fine, there is also a hidden inner self that had refrained from many other enjoyment just to save up that $50, only to see it disappearing somewhere (while I don't keep track once it is gone, it doesn't hide the fact that sometimes it hurts in the process of giving).

I just want to let people know that I just feel horrible if anyone, even subconsciously, feels that it is alright/logical for me to contribute more because I'm receiving/blessed more, I wish to be that generous but the fact is that people can't see the effort placed to get to where I am now, and even then, my position and blessing are still not something most people can envy.

Don't know why I am feeling the pinch only now when this has been going on since the day I started working.