今だから言えること

Was waiting for the shuttle bus with Robbie this morning. I couldn't remember how it got started but he was mentioning that in times of war, he was sure that I'd rather fight under him (CPL) than some other colleagues (LTA/CPT) in the office. I laughed, I knew what he meant, it may just be an outward appearance but there are some whom I can never picture the combination of them with camo cream and helmets.

We discussed the chicken-and-egg-issue: Do the guys become officers because they are motivated? Or are they motivated because they are officers? To rephrase it a little, are there qualities and characteristics that are appreciated in an officers that make up a larger proportion of scholars? Or do they become officers because they are scholars?

I must admit that I have always been a reluctant leader. Looking back at my NS life, I can hardly remember my Cadet days as they were overshadowed by my escapade in Tokyo. As for my unit life, I was "motivated" and took on the leadership role because of the rank on my shoulders, as compared to being ready to step up even when I do not have the rank.

I remembered my Day 1 in unit, I was received by Malcolm who brought me to the men of the last mono. I did my introduction and Malcolm later pulled me aside: Men will assess you by your appearance, do it the officer way!!

Jeremiah came in but we were different. I didn't care as much about my rank as he did. I didn't endure OCS for my rank, or to lead a platoon for that matter (if you want to know the reason why I wanted to enter OCS, read on lol). I led the platoon because I was the commander not the other way round: he probably became a commander because he wanted to lead/led a platoon. 

I found my footing as I got my own men. My style was so different from Jeremiah and Chang, I don't want to do extra stuff for the sake of doing extra. My specs must be laughing away when I told Helfizad that I would not be teaching my men advanced stuff because they would be able to learn it in subsequent phases. When it's time for them to slack, I want them to slack, rather than to disturb them with inspection and inspirational talks. It was life in a unit, not school.

It is both my pride and regret that throughout my NS life, I had never wayang-ed in front of anyone. Proud of it because it should be the way, I didn't need to wayang, Army wasn't my career; yet it was also a huge regret because it would have prepared me better for University and work-life: we need to be street-smart and shrewd, even if my pastor may not agree totally. It is good to be smart and innocent, rather than just ignorant.

I am not ashamed of my effort, I think I deserved my rank for my training and dedication. I went through just as much as everyone else as a cadet and earned my rank. I am ready to step up when I'm called, yet I'm ready to step down when someone else is more suitable. I just hope that most of the boys would want to fight under me (if they have no choice but to fight under someone).

As for the reason why I wanted to be an officer ... I loved the ceremonial sword and wanted one for myself. It may sound stupid but I had really wanted it. Once it was achieved at the Commissioning Parade ... the rest was just part of the responsibility that came with my sword.