Is it my paternal instinct? Sub-consciously I want to work towards providing for people. Not only do I enjoy giving gifts to people, I do think of how I can provide for my wife and kids in the future (if someone would want me, that is). I want to out-do my parents, I want to provide more, provide them with something more.
I am grateful for what my parents have done, I think it is marvelous, yet I'd consider myself a failure to provide just that for my own kids, I don't know why but I want to do more than that. To be specific, I want to bring them to Europe for holidays, I want to send them to Europe or America for education without the need to get a scholarship, I'm thinking of a lot of material stuff, so unlike the usual me. I don't know, I don't mind living shabbily but I want to provide the best.
The sad thing is, though I think I have a better headstart than my Dad, it is so much more difficult achieving the same thing as he did in the current situation, let alone achieving what I want. Striking lottery isn't an answer, money through gambling just isn't enjoyable.
I guess it didn't work out for じょあん because I can't help but compare myself with her dad. If my family can't be compared with hers, I do feel I need to provide a comparable life as her dad. I should know it is futile when he is a director in Xerox. Am I chauvinistic? Perhaps.
I know that some people would love to take my place: job security, a wonderful home, not-a-bad-starting-pay but I'm looking at something else. Was comparing myself with Bruce Wayne (yes, I know it is silly), that I'm putting the weight of 'Gotham' on my shoulders. Perhaps, I should relax and take the easy way out: to be content and live the average life. I feel like a kid who doesn't want to give up on his ideals when he realizes that the dreams are beyond his limits. The easy way out? Be alone and stop thinking about providing for others, simple.
What should I pray for? That I will push myself for something more noble? To work hard for the good of mankind? For the poor and sick? That I should be content and live the simple life? To realize that I can never achieve the dreams only when I reach my 40s and 50s? That by then, it would be too late to even rant. Who knows, it may already be too late for me now.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a lighter note, I just realized that I might have watched movies that were too hard-core for me to discuss with friends and colleagues. Was reading through the plot summary of an old movie that I've watched - Cube - and realised that none of my colleagues had watched it. Has anyone watched the movie Π ? I guess not, haiz... the guys who just follow the Hollywood blockbusters don't know what they have been missing. There are some good ones among the many low-budget films.
0 件のコメント:
コメントを投稿