The Lone Eagle

After days of heavy workload, I was enjoying my rather surreal long weekend. And much as I had wished to laze around, the other side of me had wanted to make the most out ofthe weekend too. I wanted to go for a drink, went for one last evening but it was still too mild. I still crave for the ones we had back in University days, staying over at 検見川 in a long weekend to play tennis in the morning and then enjoy hours of drinking in the evening. It was good, clean, fun because we do drink a lot (with drinking games) but it's not as interaction-less as clubbing because there would not be blaring music, the chance to talk to people about anything was there (because people tend to talk even more after a few drinks).

Went to church today and well, I must say that it was not unexpected but all the waiting and inactivity wore me down. I couldn't stand it, gathering and then discussing how to do some things. It was amazing to see so many people in church today. I was so drained and I don't understand how some can stay in church all the time.

It's not that I dislike church, just dislike the inactivity. Or perhaps I'm wired up differently. I don't mind company but I enjoy being alone; to do my own shopping; to have some solitude; not having to answer to anyone; to leave home when I am ready, instead of being rushing or at times, waiting because another person isn't ready; to start exploring or shopping the moment I reach te place instead of waiting for people; choosing to eat only when I'm hungry instead of eating because it is the dinner time: make a purchase and not having to convince my Mum that it can't be compared with the price of a watermelon. I think it is beyond the concept of whether I'm an introvert or an extrovert, I feel energized after spending some time alone.

I feel stressed when my Mum talks non-stop at home, most of the time asking the same thing for the 5th or 6th time, fretting over and talking to the dog so loudly that we all may hear, I felt agitated when I reached home at 4am and saw my Mum watching TV: when I reach home at 4am, I really want to take a quick shower and lie down quietly, not to answer curious questions on whom I went out with.

I started to think that if I miss church for one Sunday, I would have to handle this nagging: you must prioritise and place God in the first place.

Nothing wrong with that, but the tone is different. And I would go to church so that I won't get nagged at. It's true, I am a pacifist and will do things for the household just to get some peace.

But this will bring me back to the old old Brian. I can't do that, I must go and do things because I want/know that I need to do something. I can't go to church because it is a habit, or to meet my friends or to appease anyone.

It may be due to my time in Tokyo: I learnt to enjoy time alone. When you see me rejecting a meal or whatsoever, it doesn't mean that I'm aloof or unfriendly. Just understand that underneath my nonchalant appearance, I do feel a lot and have plenty of emotions. For that, I need time to digest all these or I risk being drained. It's just amazing how Jesus can spend 3 full years with the disciples everyday.

Sad that my Mum, after so many years, still can't understand her son.