Meditation

It takes time to get used to a new working place, to be familiar with all the programmes and initiatives in place, I guess it's taking a greater toil than I had naively imagined some 2-3 weeks back. I needed some time to take stock over the weekend but didn't have the chance ... perhaps I'd do so while blogging. 

It was a Best Infantry Unit celebration on Saturday morning. I felt I had to go, it was a time to enjoy the sweat that we all had put in. Individually, our SOC, IPPT and ATP results had contributed to the score, our efforts in teaching the basics paid off when the 2nd year commanders brought the men to a successful ATEC. But to be honest, it doesn't matter anymore, it was in the past and it probably meant much more to CO and RSM. We have to look towards reservists and see how we would take over from here. It won't be easy with the top-ups.

Then it was gyming at Fusionopolis with Jim. A friend I have known over 17 years. Through the conversation, I think I've found my passion, but I do have quite a lot of baggage or obstacles in between. I wonder why I am born this way, to be uncontent with baseless rhetorics of others. Jim was describing one of his friends and I could see myself heading that way, and it's a scary thought.

杏ちゃんのことについて、もう今できることは全てやってみた。これで"今"諦めることも自分は納得できると思う。ただ、"今"諦められても、"将来"への希望は減らさないのだ。馬鹿なのは分かっていても、メディアで載らされた「ジェリーイェン、リン・チーリン」との曖昧な関係も理解できないことでもない。

リン・チーリンみたいの完璧な彼女であれば、未練と言うのもなかなか納得できる。杏ちゃんはもちろんそうゆうレベルに達さないけれど、杏ちゃんは俺がどんな時にも優しく接したい人。皮肉なことに、頑張りたいからこそ、逆に見苦しい自分が現れてくる。どうしても杏ちゃんに相応しい男にはなれなかったんだ。

How I wish I was younger and less cynical than I am now. To believe in fantasies and dreamlands. Perhaps, I had seen the best a little too soon and too early. I wish I am like my parents who are happy with what they have, and to work just enough to bring about that. It's a shame that I'm not satisfied with just that. Why can't I be satisfied with just the things around me? I ask God why I feel silly going to waterloo week after week when everyone else seems so happy about the no-brainer arrangement; why do people think that it is really a bonding time by asking general questions on what the person is doing; So God, since I'm made this way, what is the role for me here? How would You place me to make me effective and to give me the joy, more than just the peace.

The comforting fact is that I know I'm not alone: it's at the tip of everyone's tongues, my job is to give it a name.