Upload

I wasn't feeling too good today and I guess Pastor really has the kind of "spider-sense" within her. I had wanted to upload all the matters that bothered me to her, and the feeling was so strong during service. But as Ian finished his message, these matters seemed so trivial that I started having second thoughts.

While I was talking to Pei about her trip to China and the SBS class, Pastor came over and asked if I was waiting for my turn to talk to her. Without thinking, I just blurted out, "I was thinking of doing that but I'm not so sure right now...(smile)" But knowing how tough it is to book her time (in general), I thought to myself, "I might as well upload everything to her."

I felt so much better releasing everything to someone I can respect and trust, and had also gotten something about the scripture that I had difficulty understanding for a long time:

I didn't understand the state of mind that Jesus was in when He prayed for the cup to be taken away from Him. With such physical reluctance towards pain, yet Jesus followed God's will and obeyed. Was it Jesus' mental strength that prevailed?

It had much significance to me because I hate to live a life of a vulnerable christian: always sounding weak and turning to the Big One up there for help because I believe that we are victorious and overcomers. So much so that I psych myself up mentally and tell the body that the tiredness isn't real, in order to push myself a little further.

And so, when I have the discipline or sufficient will-power to refrain from sinning, (like Jesus going against His "human-nature" and subject Himself to the cross), is it just another part of self-help?

Pastor gave a simple answer and I wonder why I had not noticed earlier. Jesus gave up His own desires and sought God's will. The power to overcome temptation comes from above and it comes only when we empty ourselves.

I'll pray a similar prayer today, as the one I prayed earlier when I was equally troubled - Abba Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.

Apologies for the over abstract entry for today, but it was a life-changing experience for me and has to be recorded =)