leave me alone

Depression had never felt this real since I came back to Singapore. There was a period when I harboured suicidal thoughts, finding my life worthless. On one occasion, a phonecall from my Mum at a time when she did not normally call, had allowed me to release the burden that I had been carrying.

And last Friday, I was struggling so badly that I was on the verge of going insane. It was the perceived (or otherwise) obligations and expectations to fulfil, the discomfort from a lack of personal space, the meaninglessness of work, the inability to engineer a move away that caused a prolonged period of darkness. And I was breaking down last Friday from it.

I was listening to John Piper on Christian Hedonism, where God's glory is revealed when we are satisfied in Him. I believe in God but could not be satisfied in the midst of such pain in life. Out of discipline, or perhaps it was obligation, I had stayed behind for the prayer session at 11pm Friday Night because the cell had committed ourselves to do it and I am the Cell Leader.

The first 30min was miserable, there was no joy, no victory. But then my spirit was lifted and I downloaded this desire to see Singapore becoming a giving nation in my lifetime.

This morning, I sent in my cover letter and CV to NVPC and they had written back, asking if I would like to be considered in another position. Personally I felt that I should be in a more senior position but then, such promotion will come sooner or later. I was surprised at how quick they got back, even with my expected salary (which will be a cut but still, not that low from my own assessment).

The Last Stand

Watched the preview of The Last Stand yesterday. And for the first time in a couple of years, I actually watched a movie by myself and I felt good. No doubt it was wasteful since I won a pair of tickets on some online draw again, I wished to minimise interaction after these tiring days at work.

I recall that the Life section had tried to compare three action heroes in Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone who have released recent movies in the same genre on our shore. I had the luxury of time to catch two of them.

A Good Day to Die Hard

I think I had fallen asleep at some point in time. The improbability of the plot development had dissipated my interest greatly. The element of a Father-and-Son team was more a liability than an asset and while Looper was alright, I thought that Bruce Willis could reduce his sharing of screen time with younger actors. Sticking to the Expendables might be good.

The Last Stand

Predictable plot, overly bloodied, straight face humour. I enjoyed the show thoroughly. It was funny at one point in time when Arnold, the County Sheriff refused a bribe to let a federal fugitive escape because of honour (and in real life, he cheated his wife with his helper). It was just a fun, brainless joyride with a happy ending. On days when office work had numbed my mind, such a movie is like an elixir of life

By this shall all men, know I am your disciple

Was told by my Director and his boss before we left to enjoy the Chinese New Year that I would be getting my P come April. In a brainless fashion, it would be counted as third-time lucky after being disappointed twice over the last two cycles, but more interestingly, I did not feel particularly happy about it.

I was wondering why I did not feel the joy or excitement and came up with some possible answers. I had been disappointed for so long that I had adopted a victim's role and felt that I might lose my deserved position to complain (this was silly and I discarded it almost immediately). More importantly, I knew I had not done much over the course of last year and felt resentful toward the system that did not award for good work (I felt I was more deserving over the last two cycles but was instead disappointed). 

Fortunately, I knew the development was a good thing and that I could appreciate the tangible aspects of it (higher increment for a start), and that it was not undeserved (I felt that I had contributed sufficiently over the first two years to warrant this and the comparative inactivity over the last year was largely due to the restructuring of the organisation).

I believe that all these come for a reason and God made it happen at the right time. And so I returned to my roots, the tried and tested journey of articulating what I had learnt in the process, and things I had done differently that allowed this to take place.

Firstly, the timing had been perfect. I had the opportunity to write our cheque for tithing over the last 6 months and appreciate how the combined income had just fallen short of the income ceiling to get the public housing. It was not engineered on our part (we did not intentionally quit or forgo anything), in fact, I recalled a time of wrestling with God after receiving the news of my missed P in March 2011. During the time, I lamented on the lack of reward for the suffering, and how tough it would be to get a house in consideration of marriage etc; and God distinctly answered me that He was big enough to lower the requirement and that I did not have to keep pushing to up my net worth. Things began to unfold, the income ceiling for public housing was raised, we got our dream unit after a couple of tests of faith. And every time I wrote that cheque for our tithe, it was a reminder of God's faithfulness, and His perfect timing. Yes, it's time for us to breach that artificial barrier after we have gotten the house.

Secondly, I had a changed perspective towards my work recently. I was following this year-long chronological bible reading guide and reached Ephesians and Colossians recently. I was taken by the Instructions for Christian Households: the portion on Slaves spoke strongly. 

Ephesians 6:5-8

Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people, because you know that the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do, whether they are slave or free.

Although I was irritated by the organisation and sought to move out, I was to serve as I was serving God. As I changed my attitude, I believe it got me out of the wilderness and set the motion for this P in the spiritual realm.

Thirdly, it was by grace, not by works. I recognise that many successful people (entrepreneurs and C-suite people) attribute fortune as part of their success alongside with hardwork. Similarly, from this experience, it was by grace that the announcement of the P came about. I had worked hard for it, and in accordance with Ephesians, dedicated work is the basis and with grace, comes the reward.

I look forward to the enlarged portfolio and will continue looking out for suitable opportunities. At the right time, the move will take place.

Beyond Reasons

We visited Uncle Eric last evening as a cell. He amazed me as possibly the best balance between having no arrogance but highly reflective man at the age of 78. Through his sharing of experiences and perspectives, I couldn't help but appreciate his insights over things and how he articulated them peacefully. 

While he did not share the same faith as us, per se. His testimony of some physical experiences as we prayed over him gave us much encouragement and I hope he would continue to encounter the supernatural healing that was beyond reasons.

I was overwhelmed by the magnitude of the event. I teared while reading the thank you message from Xiang. I wish such encounters would become a norm for us, because an impactful spiritual encounter is real and not out of the extraordinary.

Work and Yew Tee

In need for a change in environment but feeling uneasy for the (perceived) lack of opportunities. Not too desperate because I intend to stay for my bonus and pay increment which is fair for a year's work but it has never been harder trying to figure out what I am to do with my life.

In any case, had one of the happier day yesterday. Cleared the big hurdle for my project and I can say that I have successfully given birth to it. Such things help to bring significance in what I am doing, yes, I have been trying to act out the commandments in Ephesians and Colossians for workers to serve the earthly masters as serving God but any encouragement is still appreciated.

Felt a bit disappointed with one Yew Tee resident reported to be against the set up of an old age facility near her condo. If such views are prevalent, then I see why we have problem with our population.

One who can't see beyond their own benefits can't possibly be a building block for a cohesive society. I don't think we can blame the foreigners entirely for what is going on in our society, the progress and affluence had made some of us self-centred and protectionist. I condemn such an attitude.

Population

One important learning point for me at the Singapore Perspectives is that as Christians, we may choose not to engage in some arguments or discussions but it does not insulate us from having our own opinions.

I am still in the midst of reading the population whitepaper and I am not sure if the general disapproval of it is coming from people who have read it and analysed the significance of every point that the paper was trying to address. It is easy to say and feel the squeeze but then, what are the higher level comments that we can contribute?

It's really not the government's fault that we are having an ageing population, with the baby-boomers reaching the retirement age of 65, and thus there will be a steady decline of working population. Come 2030 (18 years from now), it is projected that there will be 2 persons leaving the workforce for every 1 person entering at the current level (a fair projection). And thus, to maintain the existing level of workforce, we need to give birth or take in foreigners, making the total population 6.5-6.9m in 2030.

From what I have captured so far: the executive summary and maybe 20% of the full paper. The 3 core values in the population policy appear to be:

• A cohesive society (good values)
• Good jobs for Singaporeans (economic growth)
• Comfortable living environment (infrastructure)

I must encourage the government for learning from the past and will strive to work on building these infrastructures. The recent announcements of HDB's effort to build 700,000 homes and MOT's plan for a 100% increase in railways had been encouraging. I believe hospitals etc are being covered in the whitepaper and others would follow.

But nevertheless, these are really the first order questions that are easy to address: pump money in and at the end of the day, you would have a house. I spoke with my colleague on my way to work and his concern is about the increase in pay to support this growth, a very valid point point on whether pay increment can keep up with inflation and rising cost of living (I had asked my colleagues and most shared that pay increment had been below inflation over the past few years).

My concern lies mainly with the building of a cohesive society where you can't just easily pump money into the problem to have it solved. My views could be biased because I hear a lot about the cases that Stacey takes up about broken homes but my sense is that parents have delegated the teaching of values to teachers whose main responsibility is on the education of facts and other academic studies. And foreigners who come in do not immediately share the mindset of the country (which may be a good thing for now).

I believe I have a role to play here. Just learnt that there is such a organisation called the National Integration Council. Will read a little more when I have the time.

Singapore Perspectives

Was given the privilege to attend the Singapore Perspectives 2013 yesterday at the Shangri-La Hotel. It was a privilege as I had the opportunity to get close to the opinions of thought leaders, analysis of the think-tanks, observations of Acting Minister Lawrence Wong and Opposition MP Sylvia Lim, and listen first-hand, the reflections of PM Lee.

Coming out from it, I am heartened to note that my views are in line with that of the general public, that we approve meritocracy, but fear the widening of income gap that may hamper the fair opportunities for the next generation. We hope to see a more giving society where the government could work hand in hand with social enterprises, non-profit organisations and VWOs and not see them as a necessary evil. A more vibrant political scene and having our voices heard, yet being able to understand that it is impossible to please everybody.

One question that stood out was that Singaporeans tend to detach themselves in a survey, in the sense that all would want to see more help to the needy, but not at their expense. It was so easily recognisable that it is scary, and the leaders had no answers to that. I do not blame them, because it takes time for the society to evolve and how much is enough is subjective. But I hope to show that resources are not confined to just money, but time could sometimes be more precious. My personal understanding for the economy and society to work, the secret lies with Charity and Compassion, that is in line with the biblical principles. No amount is ever enough but when the poor offer their time to help others rather than having a sense of entitlement, we may progress.

On another note, I felt that PM was broad-minded enough to appreciate that the political landscape will change, and that his party will concede grounds, his wish is that it does so in a stable manner which I approve. I could also tell that he understands the main issues, on the need to recruit those who can connect with the ground and having a better portrayal of self. I hope his cronies understand this.

Acting Minister Lawrence Wong is knowledgeable and able to articulate his points. I agree with him that people are in general, supportive of meritocracy, but may differ in views on how it is executed. I hope the national dialogue will help in the process. For one, I am not supportive of the extent in which the AO scheme had gone, where one faces a glass ceiling and given less opportunities unless he/she is an AO.

MP Sylvia Lim, I felt, could mellow down when it is not election time. I observed that she was partisan in her portrayal through Q&A etc. It would be good if all parties could understand what the other parties stand for and how they are fundamentally different. And in the time other than elections, to show that we are all pro-Singapore, bring less distinction between this party or that party because I believe no one would mistake her as an opposition.

All in all, I found it extremely interesting. Wish I have a position at the Institute of Policy Studies, just thinking and writing papers but then again, it is not the kind of meaningful work I am thinking of. I want to make real changes.

My heart is more inclined to social enterprise these days but after reading the definition of social enterprise, the mental model I have seems to be different. I'm not so keen on training the disabled, perhaps committing a portion of the profit to social causes but more importantly, I hope to work in a place whereby decision-making of a profit-making company places the improvement of the society as the priority.