By this shall all men, know I am your disciple

Was told by my Director and his boss before we left to enjoy the Chinese New Year that I would be getting my P come April. In a brainless fashion, it would be counted as third-time lucky after being disappointed twice over the last two cycles, but more interestingly, I did not feel particularly happy about it.

I was wondering why I did not feel the joy or excitement and came up with some possible answers. I had been disappointed for so long that I had adopted a victim's role and felt that I might lose my deserved position to complain (this was silly and I discarded it almost immediately). More importantly, I knew I had not done much over the course of last year and felt resentful toward the system that did not award for good work (I felt I was more deserving over the last two cycles but was instead disappointed). 

Fortunately, I knew the development was a good thing and that I could appreciate the tangible aspects of it (higher increment for a start), and that it was not undeserved (I felt that I had contributed sufficiently over the first two years to warrant this and the comparative inactivity over the last year was largely due to the restructuring of the organisation).

I believe that all these come for a reason and God made it happen at the right time. And so I returned to my roots, the tried and tested journey of articulating what I had learnt in the process, and things I had done differently that allowed this to take place.

Firstly, the timing had been perfect. I had the opportunity to write our cheque for tithing over the last 6 months and appreciate how the combined income had just fallen short of the income ceiling to get the public housing. It was not engineered on our part (we did not intentionally quit or forgo anything), in fact, I recalled a time of wrestling with God after receiving the news of my missed P in March 2011. During the time, I lamented on the lack of reward for the suffering, and how tough it would be to get a house in consideration of marriage etc; and God distinctly answered me that He was big enough to lower the requirement and that I did not have to keep pushing to up my net worth. Things began to unfold, the income ceiling for public housing was raised, we got our dream unit after a couple of tests of faith. And every time I wrote that cheque for our tithe, it was a reminder of God's faithfulness, and His perfect timing. Yes, it's time for us to breach that artificial barrier after we have gotten the house.

Secondly, I had a changed perspective towards my work recently. I was following this year-long chronological bible reading guide and reached Ephesians and Colossians recently. I was taken by the Instructions for Christian Households: the portion on Slaves spoke strongly. 

Ephesians 6:5-8

Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people, because you know that the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do, whether they are slave or free.

Although I was irritated by the organisation and sought to move out, I was to serve as I was serving God. As I changed my attitude, I believe it got me out of the wilderness and set the motion for this P in the spiritual realm.

Thirdly, it was by grace, not by works. I recognise that many successful people (entrepreneurs and C-suite people) attribute fortune as part of their success alongside with hardwork. Similarly, from this experience, it was by grace that the announcement of the P came about. I had worked hard for it, and in accordance with Ephesians, dedicated work is the basis and with grace, comes the reward.

I look forward to the enlarged portfolio and will continue looking out for suitable opportunities. At the right time, the move will take place.

Meaning

I was anxious after going through the interview to IE Singapore on Monday and wondered why it took so long for them to reply. As the week passed, my optimism dropped as it shouldn't take much for them to call me back for another round if it was successful. And true enough, an email came at 4+ this afternoon, informing me that it has been unsuccessful.

It was a blow to me:

1. I had the peace to make the application
2. The job scope is really what I want to do
3. IE isn't really the most prestigious/sought after place
4. I have a poor record at interviews in the civil/public service

I know that only 1 reason is enough for the failure while success would require many matching criteria. Since they took an entire week to answer me, did it mean that I could have gone through? Have I been getting rejected because of my relatively poor grades in uni (Bs and Cs)? Is it simply because I have only 1 year left on my bond? Is it because I indicated that I could only start work in January?

I sent a reply, thanking the lady for informing me, but also asking her for the reason(s) if it is not inconvenient.

I would be surprised if she cares to reply.

Nevertheless, a "no" is a "no".

I'm a little embarrassed but more importantly, I need to rediscover my worth. I was reading John Bevere's "Extraordinary". I asked God, I haven't proven myself at work, I'm not the extraordinary superstar in office, when a 2nd upper is the ticket to high CEP, I had let myself down in college, ...

God gave me a verse. Philippians 2:22 - But you know that Timothy has proved himself, because as a son with his father he has served with me in the work of the gospel.

Paul indicated that Timothy has proved himself in looking out for Jesus's interest (ie His people) rather than his own interests.

I rest in hope that His will is bigger than a transfer.

Just as how He had blessed me in the relationship: by letting go, He placed it back onto my hands.

Just as how I can hope in buying a house: from the disappointment in the BTO exercise in March, if successful, the SBF exercise would have been a bigger blessing than the BTO.

And the job ... I hold on to see what He has in store.

The Cost of Discipleship

I am going to Hong Kong!!! But my focus is not on the food nor on the shopping but the conviction that I am to stand in the gap between my grandparents and God. That I am in the position where I can reach out to them with ease.

And so I prayed, asking for prayers, taking note of the journey of Jael's and Noelle's grandmothers. Thinking of buying a CD player and Christian CDs for them. I am preparing myself and anticipating great things to happen.

Stacey is coming too. With a different objective to relax and shop. But we know pastor's ruling on traveling as a couple. I agree that we are fools to obey, but we take it as being fools for Christ and to build the kind of atmosphere for our future family.

With such insights, we planned to go over a particular weekend when a friend would also be there. Everything was fine: we have a companion, I'm preparing for ministry, we bought good air tickets, we sourced for cheap hotel, ...

And then the blow came, that the friend had her travel schedule changed because the boss wanted her to hold the work meeting earlier.

I know it's not her fault that the schedule was changed but I nevertheless felt annoyed. We know pastor's stand and Stacey may not be able to fly. I had reasons to be angry and I also felt justified to the extent of standing trial before God over this incident.

1. The Plan

Now Stacey will be a little awkward if she joins me to spend a lot of time with my grannies. And I will be worried if she goes out alone.

2. The Rest

We know pastor's position and she is likely to discourage us from going together. But I know that Stacey needs a rest and some time away. And it's not like we did this all on purpose, we decided on the dates based on the friend's schedule and we get penalised still.

In the moment, I was about to tear my shirt and ask God to judge our hearts: why do such things happen when we obey

3. The Money

We have made purchases on the air tickets and accommodation. It may be just a few hundred dollars but those are hard-earned money. I don't mind spending money on others and giving money to people who need it, even a larger amount, but I hate to waste money this way.

Because of this, we hold back on buying a car because the money is better spent in the bank, in stocks and in helping others when the opportunity arises. I have many better ways on spending that few hundred dollars, rather than donating it to the airlines and hotel.

And so I struggled. Few will understand why I struggle for it makes no practical sense to obey. And even if we proceed without pastor's blessing, I will be at peace because the intent was flawless. I struggled ... just when I sense that I should pray for others, I get hit by the turn of events ...

I pictured myself being a disciple on the boat with Jesus and the storm hits the boat, I cry "why? have I not given up my livelihood to follow? And yet I am rocked by the storm." It's not the fear of losing my life, but the sense of injustice. I believe the disciples must have felt this way too.

Then the teaching at YA Retreat came back:

Being a true disciple is about giving up our own rights: Jesus could have called upon the angels and avoid the beating and the cross but He didn't, because He was the strongest and the meekest Man who gave up His rights to follow God.

And then I chose to obey... it still hurts but there is new-found strength to take it on. And I had a glimpse of what Abraham had felt when he brought Isaac up to be sacrificed, it must have hurt deeply but the strength comes from the desire to be a disciple and a friend of God.

My wrestle with God took an hour. And it was possible because Stacey handled it well, that she could readily obey, and so I had the peace to wrestle.

Grace is free but it is not cheap.

I had a new revelation: Discipleship requires more than righteousness but the perseverance to remain on this path of righteousness and get injured when the world hits you with stones and scorpions.

尊ぶべき命だから

Just came back from a silly Infantry seminar and felt compelled to pen down my thoughts over the last week. Well, the senior officers at the seminars were super duper law saw, they could have reduced their words by half and still have answered the questions.

Anyway, there was a Q&A towards the end, and it eventually became a complaining session among the regulars and some NSmen. I was disappointed with the way the feedback was handled but that would not be the content for this blog. But rather, CIO's comment that Infantry is seen as something too general to generate pride, an armour, artillery soldier could easily become infantry, he talked about the need to re-brand infantry.

I see myself and the commanders as skilled managers of men. You cannot parachute someone from commando or anywhere into our unit because they would not have seen the kind of men we receive. Ordinary men take a new meaning in an infantry unit, suddenly you see people different from you, the school dropouts, the druggies, etc (definitely not the diploma/A-level guys)

John summed it up well: you can issue ipads and new terrex platform but until you gain the trust of these men, you can't win a battle with just the gadgets.

Just last Wednesday, I visited Abaz with Ruiwen. He got his leg amputated from a traffic accident. He was a Sec 2 dropout and it would be hard for him to find an administrative job.

And then last Thursday, met an old friend for lunch. He was struggling with low income and high cost of living.

And on Friday, there was a gathering an the residence of the Japan Ambassador in Singapore and there were many high-flyers present. Conversation was, in a way, meaningless as no one would remember them. To me, it's easy for the people up there, the high-flyers to treat everything as numbers... productivity etc

But every single digit is a life and a soul. And it doesn't matter if I save the soul of a beggar or a billionaire, their values are the same.

Just want to share the song: Triangle by SMAP

English Translation of Lyrics

From a small room set a little apart

From the heart of the city

No matter how hard I strain my eyes

There are so many things I can't see

For example, someone praying to the distant sky

For example, you cowering in fear

The shadows of the dead who wander

Longing for a fulfilling tomorrow

All they can find is destruction

They can't love the world of the future

My eyes, your hands, our voices

They all seem different

But freedom is life

My skin, your mother, our love

It's all a miracle

That rained down on this tiny blue planet

My reticent grandfather passed his feelings down

To my father, across a generation

Which kept climbing earnestly up a terrible, harsh road

Not knowing even a small amount of hardship

We were born and lived afterwards

Let's take up those feelings

And give voice to them until our voices break

The hero of a great country

And the young girl from a wartorn country

Their weight is equal

They're both lives that should be esteemed

With a fearless expression

The gun is pointed

At our hearts and nowhere else

It's carved deep, deep

Like that wound

My eyes, your hands, our voices

They all seem different

But freedom is life

My skin, your mother, our love

It's all a miracle

That rained down on this tiny blue planet

The sorrow of a great country

The mother who can't see it through to the end

Their weight is equal

They're both lives that should be esteemed

With a fearless expression

The gun is pointed

At our hearts and nowhere else

Yes, in your fearful hand

Affirmation

Over lunch today, a colleague asked, "now that Mrs A has retired, who do you report to in your work?"

My response:

If it is sustainability-related, I go to MH who seldom questions my decision or approach but would improve my submission or give his clearance as Director.

If it is SRP-related, I go to LK, who would always say ok.

If it is CREATE-centric, I go to FY, who would require me to fill him in with the background information.

For other things that I think are too minor to seek approval from Directors and above, I just handle it myself.

In any case, I am the one who chase the bosses to follow-up on this and that most of the time, so there is quite a large bit of autonomy in my work.

In a way, I'm given the opportunity to take my Director's role in decision-making. But on the other hand, there is no guidance, no one to bounce off ideas with so that I can learn. Yes, I can still learn from mistakes but how to make mistakes when I can simply ignore the tough ones and let it lapse ...

But I also hold onto the words that I have received through Steve:

Brian, the Lord says you are exactly where I want you to be. The Lord says, Brian, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. I don't know if it is forever but right now, right here at this time, the Lord says, good job. The Lord says, you are positioned in a place where I can work with you. You are positioned in a place where I can train you. You are positioned in a place where I can sharpen you.

I see you a leader of families, I don't quite know what that means. The Lord says you are a leader of families, that the way you live your life, you are going to show families what it means to live a godly life. That the glory of the Lord will be seen in you, the way you exist in your family, the way you treat your family, the way you lead your family. He says, don't discount those things, it's not just about the doing, it's about the being, it's about who you are, and how you love people.

And the Lord says that your life is gonna be a life of love. I don't know what you are like and I don't really know your character but ... I wonder if you are the loving kind of person, you just got love to give and you just got the gentleness to give. And the Lord says, I put that in you, that's how I see you. A bruised reed you will not break, you know that prophesy over Jesus, the Lord says, you are like Jesus. You've got this gentleness about you, you got this inner strength, you've got this love. And the Lord says, I put it there. I've put it there because you are going to be a lover of people, and you are going to lead other people into how to love their families.

So Lord we lift up your son, and Lord, will you carry him through this time. Would You teach him, Father that he hears Your voice at the workplace, in his rest time, in everywhere, in everything he does Lord, that You will just constantly whispering to him Lord, that he will just see things from Your perspective Lord, everything that he has to take on at work, everything he has to take on in ministry , in life that he will see things Your way Lord. Because You are love Lord, and You've got so much of it to give.

Thank you Lord.

30

I have reached the Big 3 and it's gonna be an exciting time as I embark on the journey of ministry.

Also thank God for the wonderful time at Krabi, for the flight, weather, company and finally the celebration of my birthday.

Flight

It was my first experience of the budget terminal and I have heard horrible stories about Tiger Airways. But hey, everything was smooth and we returned on time, there was really no way for any of us to complain.

Weather

Read on the magazine on the plane that May was supposed to be a rainy season at Krabi but thank God, we had perfect weather over the 4 days, even the locals commented that we were lucky. I would believe that God had blessed our trip

Company

The group was perfect. Everyone was rather easy-going and we could compromise on the activities, food, etc easily. It's not a given and I really really appreciate the group dynamics and the crappiness of the crew :)

Celebration

Sweetie prepared a wonderful gift. Collating well wishes from those who were willing to write. Although it was inexpensive, they were words of affirmation with quality that I will treasure. Anyway, quality time and words of affirmation are the ways in which I receive love and yes Sweetie, you have definitely heard it right. I love the present.

Dinner had an added twist which will stay in the group.

And throughout the day, whenever I opened my facebook, there would be updates of well wishes. In total, I believe I had received over 100 congratulatory notes from different individuals and it is my honor to have known everybody.

Thank you everyone for making my day, am embarking on the next journey as a 30 yo :)

Hope

I'm glad I took my OIL today, and I just decided that I wouldn't go to the swimming pool to chill. I usually do that on a weekday when I am on off. Because it is where I can be alone, reflect and spend time with God. It's weird that one can be "alone" in a public pool but that is the way it is - solitude is being where no one will engage/disturb you. I decided to stay home instead because there is no one else around and by going to the pool, there will be more things to carry and wash.

I reflected on the GE results, reading the papers, the analysis, etc and I have peace. I can see that God is indeed in control and now that the GE is over, all 87 MPs should be honored as leaders. And even among those who lost, some deserve commendation and a spot in our memories.

George Yeo

He is one of the more like-able politicians, careful with his words which is expected from the former Minister for Foreign Affairs. Yes, no one is indispensable and I believe the PAP government will be able to find someone to replace GY. As for he himself, I'm sure he can still contribute to our nation with his level of capability.

Ong Ye Kung

I was told by a colleague that Ye Kung is a good and capable man, and I have that impression too. In the article on him as he was unveiled, and in his address following the defeat. One can say that he was unfortunate to be placed in the Aljunied team but is it that important to win in the first election? There are lessons to be learnt in defeat and I believe Ye Kung will return strong, with qualities that are moulded by this experience, something that the two Generals, ex-MAS ex-EMA and other potential 4G leaders will never have.

Chiam See Tong and Lina Chiam

It was a good move and CST will live in our memories as one who went through everything, to fight for what he believed in. "I am not actually a brave man, but I love Singapore and I love Singaporeans." God has been good to the Chiams, a strong showing at both the GRC and SMC provided a grand finale to his 27 yrs of service. I want to bless him with peace and comfort in the days ahead, as the family enjoys the fruit of his labour.

Nicole Seah

A phenomenon and I suppose she was let down by the other four candidates, for no one will doubt she can win a SMC with just 9 days of campaigning. But just as the Straits Times put it, would there be Nicole if not for TPL? Yes, Nicole is a good orator and a very mature one at that. But one cannot deny either that she came out of nowhere and I would be worried if she just enters parliament like that (yes CSM just returned after 30yrs away but come on, he is on the SMU Board, and he has contributed. I'm just more comfortable with CSM than Nicole). So some time over these five years, Nicole can work the ground, gain a even better knowledge of the ground sentiment and I believe she will have a even better showing at the next GE.

Tin Pei Ling

Since she was elected into the Parliament, I will honor her as a leader. She has, until the next GE, to prove that she can deliver and I will leave it as that. I don't think we all deserve what we get in life, and there are certain "breaks" that we get here and there. So, why are we so uptight with TPL just because she will get a $15,000 MP stipend. As for me, I still don't think that I had performed during BMT to enter OCS, but I say in conviction that I deserve my sword, because I went through and put up with the 10 months of training. So I will openly give TPL a chance (we have a choice of doing it joyfully or grudgingly)

This election reinforced my philosophy of victory and defeat. That our life does not have the capacity to carry all the victories that we can get. A good life is not based on the success over each hurdle (PSLE, O Level Exams, Univ Degree, riches, good looks, etc) but how we are perceived by God in eternity, which is based on how we live our lives each and every single day be it a victory or a defeat.

Blessings

I believe I had max-ed out my 168hr over the last week, and at times, it's frustrating not being able to get more support. It wasn't easy, juggling office work, alpha, alpha weekend away, kairos, domestic duties, boyfriend duties (albeit done joyfully), cell, supporting Man U in their win over Chelsea in Champions League, not to mention the anticipation of mobilisation...

But I have many things to be thankful for as well. For one, the alpha weekend away was a humbling experience. I saw first hand, how Pentecost would have looked like with many receiving the holy spirit and were "slain". And more significantly, the instruments whom God had used, they were simple uncles and aunties, and many would be grouped as faithful followers instead of leaders of the church.

I had always appreciated knowledge and although I do not look down on others who are simple in faith, I would prefer to seek deeper. And so, it was a tremendous experience to see this group of people, being used as the channels to release the holy spirit. That God can use their simple faith and it is such simplicity that made them a lot more approachable towards new believers.

The weekend away also gave me time to explain Christian beliefs to others and I gave thanks for the experience. Though I'm extremely extremely tired, it was worth every effort.

shocked

I was shocked to hear what was being said behind my back, among people who were working with my organisation. It didn't make sense but on the other hand, if it was told to us by someone who didn't know me, it must be really rampant.

I told God that I've been stretched too badly, after one wrestle with God and it gets worse, again and again. I worked hard to be the salt and light but it is not appreciated, instead it gets trampled upon and slandered.

The pain of being unheard

The ineffectiveness at ministry

The disappointment at grading

The indecisiveness of organisation

The sacrifice for those who are immature

The false accusation

I cried out and You taught me to pray, the prayer of David in Psalm 27

¹ The LORD is my light and my salvation—

whom shall I fear?

The LORD is the stronghold of my life—

of whom shall I be afraid?

² When the wicked advance against me

to devour^[a] me,

it is my enemies and my foes

who will stumble and fall.

³ Though an army besiege me,

my heart will not fear;

though war break out against me,

even then I will be confident.

⁴ One thing I ask from the LORD,

this only do I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD

all the days of my life,

to gaze on the beauty of the LORD

and to seek him in his temple.

⁵ For in the day of trouble

he will keep me safe in his dwelling;

he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent

and set me high upon a rock.

⁶ Then my head will be exalted

above the enemies who surround me;

at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;

I will sing and make music to the LORD.

⁷ Hear my voice when I call, LORD;

be merciful to me and answer me.

⁸ My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”

Your face, LORD, I will seek.

⁹ Do not hide your face from me,

do not turn your servant away in anger;

you have been my helper.

Do not reject me or forsake me,

God my Savior.

¹⁰ Though my father and mother forsake me,

the LORD will receive me.

¹¹ Teach me your way, LORD;

lead me in a straight path

because of my oppressors.

¹² Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,

for false witnesses rise up against me,

spouting malicious accusations.

¹³ I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.

¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD.

In the midst of this pain and suffering, I pray that I will come forth as gold, that I can declare the following; that I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed, that I'm blessed beyond the curse, for Your promise will endure and Your joy will be my strength.

Further Disappointment

Just had a glance at my grade before the system retracted it, and to say the least, I was disappointed. I believed I had endured much for the year, frustration at work because the bosses didn't seem to see the big picture and then there were countless u-turns in decisions.

It hurts when the bosses are deluded and don't remember their embarrassing u-turns, then label us as "confused". It happened just yesterday again. And when we showed our boss what was recorded in the minutes, she wouldn't let go and insisted that we further discuss but to her, we are still "confused".

I feared, that if my boss doesn't recognise that she was flip-flopping, then she would have the impression that I am incompetent ...

Yet I believed that I had performed this year, compared with the previous year. And that I was doing better than the other colleagues on the same grade. In short, I was hoping for a promotion even, thinking that it's about time that I get it too.

So I was disappointed and there was no way to voice my hurt other than to God. It was a let down, an unjustified end, at least to me. I believe that I deserve more.

In this moment of disappointment, your words comfort me. My God be my righteousness, I hold onto this scripture and expect You to right all wrongs.

Living Godly Lives in a Pagan Society

11 Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. 12 Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.

13 Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human authority: whether to the emperor, as the supreme authority, 14 or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. 15 For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people. 16 Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God’s slaves. 17 Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.

18 Slaves, in reverent fear of God submit yourselves to your masters, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. 19 For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. 20 But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. 21 To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.

22 “He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.”[e]

23 When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. 24 “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” 25 For “you were like sheep going astray,”[f] but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

For that I declare peace over my life, I may endure disappointment but I live in peace, that there will be a meaning to all these suffering. That I will be a man of influence, and salt and light at my position, even when it is not valued much by my Director. I will not sin but bid my time, and raise it at the appropriate moment, at the opportunity that you will present me.

Love

I feel for Japan, it is beyond what we put on our lips, but my heart goes to them. I believe it was planted during my years there. And through these, I had a glimpse of how God feels towards His people, the love and the willingness to sacrifice for them...

I want to challenge all who are following the news: what does it mean to you? does it change your perspective in any way? If not, then how is it different from the tabloid, or other gossip?

I want to remember this, that I will have such compassion for those who lost their souls, not just through this earthquake, but all who are unsaved.

Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours

Everything I am for your kingdoms cause

As I go from nothing to

Eternity

My Life

I always believed that I had my life covered, that I knew what was going on in my life. Because of that, it was so surprising to hear what Stacey had noticed, and it was also a humbling experience, realising that God had been more fascinating and more abundant in His provision than I had perceived.

I had shared my life story back in August. How I lost my direction and found it again in an unlikely place. Found it when I was studying overseas, when by right, I should be lost in all the glitter and glamour of Japan.

http://vigilantlion.blogspot.com/2010/08/life-story.html

I have always been independent, brought up at home where all needs were met but nothing more. I used to feel awkward asking for things that I wanted because they were given with a condition. A condition for me to do certain things, or a caveat that it was a sacrifice made by my parents.

To the extent when we had to pay the fees for O Level examinations, the first thought was to withdraw money from my bank account. I could remember vividly that my initial thought was that I'm spending more money for taking more papers than necessary.

And perhaps, subconsciously, that also drove me to take up sponsorship for my tertiary education. Because I couldn't imagine spending my parents' money and be expected to return them with good grades, responsibility, etc. But such adolescent years also made me independent, a trait necessary for OCS, Japan, etc.

I didn't realise it before but perhaps, that also moulded my perception of the Heavenly Father. That I had to meet His expectations. Failing which, I would not be loved...

Then came Japan ...

It was during this time when I was alone, not expected to pray or go to church that I found God again. When I could be still, I could hear Him. Stacey realised it before me, that God also provided me with a different kind of earthly parent to show me the unconditional love of God.

My Godma is a Japanese and she loved me dearly. She had "adopted" 8 foreign students as her God-sons and God-daughters and I was her favourite (somehow we could connect well).

I could share things with her, knowing that she was always on my side and sometimes she would share with me her anxiety (about Hiroko not getting married soon enough). I didn't expect anything apart from friendship from her but she showered me with more good things than I had ever received or could have imagined:

She would stuff me with food and drinks (alcohol inclusive) whenever I drop by

She would make me bring fruits and biscuits back

When she knew that I was going to ski, she bought for me the necessary equipment

When it was the exam period, she sent me energy drinks etc

She planned for birthday parties for me (this picture was taken on my birthday party in 2005)

She wouldn't say anything negative when I brought my girlfriends for her to meet

Yet, she would bring me to a holiday to cheer me up after a break-up

She came and searched for apartments with me when I had to move out of the hostel

...

Through her, I felt God's unconditional love and I felt safe in her presence. Knowing that she would forever be supportive even when I failed my tests and exams. Her care and concern was not based on my success (not to say that my own parents were but they do have expectations which were stifling; I'm sure my Godma had expectations over her children but towards me, they didn't apply).

I was surprised to hear Stacey mentioning that I behaved differently before Godma, that I was like a little kid. And I know it's because I feel safe and protected and this should be the relationship we have with God. You can say that I met God in Japan and God was manifested through her.

Words

I have always thought that I have known my folks well enough and it's amazing how much more I can still learn. Ok, it's not something positive and while it is too late to expect any change, it is still applicable to me, in the way I build a relationship with my kids in the future.

I was blessed because all my needs have been covered by my parents, since the day I was born. Yet, I still found it hard to ask for things that I want or receive good things from my parents because I realised that I seldom received them from a joyful giver.

There were times when I was younger and would ask my parents for certain things. They would usually give it, but at times, also with the look or words of disapproval, that they don't appreciate what I want. And it's more hurting when they didn't try to appreciate the soccer ball that I wanted but would see it as a waste of money.

I guess I knew it all along, and slowly but surely, I stopped telling them the physical things that I want. I suppose it didn't help that I stopped receiving money from them since I graduated from Junior College.

It's a regret, albeit something small and people may even find me ungrateful, but I am learning from this. That in future, it is not just the material things that I provide but it is more important to grow with my children, to love Ben10 or Barbie as they do, and then move on to idol groups like Girls Generation and Fahrenheit when the time comes.

Life Story

I had a chance to share my life story on thursday. I had always looked back to see how far I had come but it was different saying it out and letting others know. It's like, I could always come up with new perspectives and see God's footprint here and there but once I say it out loud, that would be the final version, at least what others will know.

It also didn't occur to me until now that it was a sad story, although everything had come together fine. I should prepare others to get ready the tissue paper before I next share it.

Is this how heaven is supposed to be like?

Just came back from church camp and the miracles that I had experienced, the kind of fellowship, worship, words ... made me wonder if heaven is like that.

Yes, the burden in my heart must have been the games. I knew it was from God, with the kind of peace that we had when the concept was mapped out. And I had the faith to let things fall into place even when the event was to start the next hour.

Yes, I didn't know what the Cantonese folks were up to until they got up onto the stage. They were secretive and wouldn't reveal it, even to me.

I had always felt that Eddie is the perfect emcee for the show and I was a little disappointed when Ian first told me to task JH.

I could not criticise anything that happened over that 2.5hrs. And I know it was from Big Boss up there.

I shared before that I am a reluctant leader. And this planning reminded me of another role of a leader - To equip people with the best way possible so that they can perform to the best they cam. It was manifested in this way, the emcees, the singers, the dancers, the games, ...

Just that when pastor acknowledged my efforts and credited it to my love for the church, I was not too sure. Yeah, I have been around for many many years but I have lied low for a long long time, so much so that older folks couldn't link my face to my name anymore and I was fine with that.

And I didn't know if it was just my love for the church that drove me to spend nights planning and preparing. It was a combination of the burden that was placed within me during that flight back from Cambodia in December and my own sense of "pride" and "professionalism".

Anyway, my boss gave me work over the camp and I did some last evening. Darius, my good and reliable friend in office helped me a great deal and took over some of the load. I feel blessed already, that God could send someone to help me with things because I was spent as the camp drew to a close.

Disgust

It happens once in a while, when I'm tired of rules and structures.

To put it simply, knowing that I've promised to join in an activity or having signed up for a marathon, should I still subjugate myself to fulfill these duties/obligations when my heart isn't there? I seldom ask myself this because it doesn't happen often but the reasons are clear, I believe.

Don't look at the preparations, don't look at the efforts. Take for example a planned trip somewhere, having paid a few hundred is one thing, but if at that point in time, I don't feel like making the trip: it's better for to waste that few hundred than to proceed and feel uncomfortable.

Guess I need less responsibilities imposed by people, but more responsibilities that I will gladly take up at my own free will. The life of a wanderer.

Happy Birthday

I was so blessed over my Birthday, overwhelmed by the number of birthday wishes over that 24 hours. The wishes came in every hour on my Facebook wall that with each alert, I couldn't help but to recall the times I had interacted with this person and that person:

RSM and S3 whom I thought had disliked me cos I was prolly too intellectual for them

Chee Hean's former PA

Sanderson whom I got to know during my internship in 2004

Hux from CTC who also used the opportunity to sell me his financial policies

Army friends, Mindef colleagues, current colleagues, JC classmates, Tennis Club friends, friends from Language School, church friends, ... Simple as it was, it didn't have to be a gift or a treat, a thought was sufficient for me

マイ武勇伝

Met up with Queen over lunch the other day and at the end of the conversation, she commented that I do have a sense of clarity over things and the level of maturity to handle them.

Was lunching with my colleagues and I took this stand that rich parents don't necessarily represent poor parenting, such that all in all, it's better to be under rich parents rather than poorer ones.

Had talked about the issue of money and parents with Merv last evening and I reiterated that really, the only way for me to go overseas was to get a scholarship.

--------------------

I do have a switch somewhere, one that will change me from the reserved, intellectual young adult to one with warped ideas and doing things just for that split second of all round guffaw. But beneath all these, I am mature, or so I think.

I told Queen that I missed my younger days when I was more 'immature'. Really, I miss the days when I did things on impulse, then crash, and then picking up the pieces and grow in the process. Not to the extent of drugs, booze or sex because I had good grounding through the years of Christian teachings but those were my own 'legends' nevertheless.

I guess everyone has to grow up one day or another. People tend to be more forgiving when you are young and I can't imagine myself leading that kind of reckless/gung-ho life right now. Guess there isn't much entrepreneurial spirit within me.

And as the day went by after the lunch with colleagues and as I was talking to Merv, I'm sincerely thankful that my parents couldn't afford to send me to Australia or anywhere else. It sounds weird but I could never have led that kind of wasteful, reckless, or 'high' life if I was spending my parents' money.

Good or bad experiences, those were my precious growing up years and made me the kind of person I am today.

I look at my brother and I can't imagine myself studying in NUS or NTU. Not that they are horrible schools but I'm sure I'd have turned out very different if I were to have done my tertiary education here. The sad thing is: I could be doing better in school and earning more if I had a less legendary uni life in Singapore.

I suppose I can still enjoy those experiences by observing how I handle things. Being more sporting and taking more calculated risks than others are probably glimpses of my 武勇伝.

YC Anniversary

Looking back, I guess I do like to challenge myself: Going to Japan was my decision, signing up for marathons, going through OCS just for the ceremonial sword ...

But I do have Out Of Bound areas where I will not venture into: Triathlon (knowing that I can't do a competitive swim), Singing (since I took after my Mum instead of my Dad) ...

I guess there are certain people in my life like Jael, who will drag me into this Out Of Bound territories, with me screaming and kicking, but have to thank her eventually for pulling me through the ordeal and giving me the experience ...

Some background ...

I thought I just had to sing a few lines after leaving church last Sunday for the anniversary

Then it was 4 bars of "entrance" on Thursday

With each words of encouragement (minus Jael's), I felt exploited. Because words such as "Oh I'm sure you can do it!" or "Jia You" felt so empty. At least Jael took time to give real advice.

Then I slowly realised that it's not so much of people's confidence that "Brian CAN DO it" that had resulted with me being given the role; but it was the confidence that "Brian WILL DO it" that mattered.

I started to wonder, is it the kind of trait I want to show others. Although spiritually, following Jenny and Mel's prayers last Sunday, to the gist that "may the Holy Spirit give Brian the strength to do what is required of him", I couldn't say no (disclaimer: I heard from the 2 that they had no idea I would be doing such a thing as they said the prayer LOL)

But it became clearer, that it's not so much of a character that I want to show people, but being sporting is just part of me. I guess "WILL DO" is a higher compliment than "CAN DO", because no one CAN DO everything, but WILL DO signifies the attitude that I WILL DO something even when I CANNOT DO it (under the normal circumstances).

Ok, I'm getting confuse myself, but anyway, thanks Jael

Japan =(

I miss Japan, yet I'm glad to be back. I missed the energy, creativity and the freedom over there. Yet I'm glad to be away from the climate where I could easily end up chasing after the wind, being a person with appearance but no substance ...

I guess Tokyo has such a comfortable climate where I could easily depend on myself without prayers and without God, made more so because of the tight schedules from meetings to meetings. In the efficiency and need to handle issues/challenges well, it was so natural for me to claim credits for the successes, especially when I was the point-man.

Yet, these successes didn't fill me. Even the meet up with friends, it reminded me of my past life when I relentlessly ran in circles, chasing after the wind, for vanity, for personal glory.

It was tempting, to get that little bit more of glamour, for fame, for something earthly. I think I have had a glimpse of it: more money than I could spend, popularity to the extent of inviting jealousy, pretty girlfriends ...

Yet when the music fades, I would realise that these things don't really satisfy. I guess I wasn't in tune with my spirit over that 4D3N of work trip and it was an uncomfortable experience.

For this reason, I'm glad to be back.