I am in a battle, and getting desperate. I didn't expect this a week ago, I didn't expect myself to be so physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically drained for this trip. And the duality for everything was just overwhelming.
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emotionally, it was wonderful and horrible to be here. The group can probably testify that I'm more recognized here than in Singapore because my university is as much a brand name as Louis Vuitton yet it is horrible to make friends who at the end of the day would have forgotten my name and would remember only that I had graduated from Todai.
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I need someone who know me more than that and allow me to talk deeper than just superficial stuff, things that I'm struggling with. I had a wonderful time talking to the homeless people last night but yeah, most of the time, people introduce me as a Todai-sei before anything else.
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It's a love-hate relationship between me and Tokyo. It was the place where I understood the true meaning of Christianity and to stay away from the expectation of others; yet it was also a place where I cried alone in the dark and where I faced desperation to the point of thinking of ways to die so as to trouble the least number of people. It is my homeground as much as a battle ground. Though the group had been tolerating by giving me space, I still need more.
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My secondary mission was to tie up the emotional baggage I left behind 2 years ago, and it was done in the most horrible way. At least I can put a fullstop to it but things don't disappear in a day, and I need to hide, away from the duties for a day or two.
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Psychologically, it wasn't easy to appreciate music as much as my team. I just hope I can say I'd come back for good if it is what God wants me to do. I should be the one with the least resistance to come back but it is not true: I consider a lot more and I'm disturbed.
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Physically, I realised that I'm sleeping as little as when I worked and my working hour is like my work trip to Australia and New Zealand. I felt some relief when my brother texted that Mission Trips are supposed to be tiring. I'm staying with my Okaasan till tonight in a bid to get some space but the addition 2 hours journey is costing me time and money. Well, it is a mission trip, just that ... I had never gone to such an extent in Tokyo and I'm tired. Is it right to say that I'll give a treat to save an hour of food-searching? It doesn't sound right but I can't explain why it is wrong.
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Spiritually, I need to find my purpose here. I felt useless during rehearsals. My mind starts to wander. I think about how I had hurt others and the personal tasks I had to do. I ranted to the Big One up there and while I came here cheerfully, thinking of how I could settle in, I can't wait to leave this place because I need my space, my truly personal time. Yeah, I couldn't imagine spending 7 days in church in Singapore and I'm experiencing it now.
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I need to let it out, cry the whole night away and sleep in tomorrow to recuperate. I wonder when was the last time I cried but I'm needed tomorrow just like everyday for the past week.
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