as the dust settles

It wasn't easy for me to go to Tokyo to meet with people whom I love and hate to meet. I love them as they were willing to be my friends and I hate to meet them because I am not exactly part of them, because I have to return to complete another 1360+ days of service before I can contemplate on my next step, because I don't know if I have the fire to make the step 1000 days from now.

It ended well, with the last 2 days of social activities, I was practically living on my credit card as my cash dropped to an uncomfortable level (I had never charged something which cost $15 on my credit card) Anyway, I had a proper date on Monday (proper because I had never enjoyed one for the past 2 years)

杏ちゃんとのデートだけど、会う前にはいつもわくわくするけど、会うといつもどっかに自分が足りないと言うコンプレックスで楽しく遊べなくて。ずーっと好きだったのにちっとも励ましてくれそうなサインがなくて、自分もなんでそこまで追求してきたのかぶっちゃけ分からない。おそらく、辿り着かない目標こそ魅力的なのかもしれない。ただ、そこでストレスも溜まり、結局最悪の終わり方でおしまい。最悪とはいえ、やっと決着できたのでこの気持ちもひと段落として終わってしまう。

２９日には真理奈との食事。二人とも気を遣い、変な発展になりそうな質問を遠慮をし。真理奈って本当にかわいくていい子だった。３年前彼女と付き合うことになったら、どれほど幸せだったのだろう。ただ、その時の感覚はやはり違って、その時はどうしても杏ちゃんが格好よくみえて、杏ちゃんにほかの人と付き合ってほしくなかったの。

真理奈は別で、いい子ってわかっていても、そこまでの感覚はなかった。今回いろいろとしゃべれて、楽しくて、杏ちゃんと別、真理奈はその何時間の間、本当に自分の存在を中心にし、とっても大事にされたことを感心した。彼女は付き合ってる彼氏がいること＋自分はつい最近やっと杏ちゃんのことを諦めることを決め＋２年前の間違いを犯したくなくて、あくまでも気軽な雰囲気を作ることに。本当はもっと会いたい、もし彼女には彼氏がいなければ、そして自分は長い間東京にいれば、もう一度は誘ってみたいはず。

とにかく自分も復活した。「デートって楽しいかも？」を思い出し、これから職場の悩みがあるけれど、そろそろ引きこもり生活をやめ、いい人を見つけてみよう。ここにできたら、もう東京への未練も薄くなるだろう。

I don't know, perhaps, I was missing an anchor as I left for Tokyo years back. I seldom see those who studied in US or UK to miss their countries as much as I do. My Japanese friends had accepted me as one of them, they know that I am a foreigner but more often than not, they don't register it and took me in as one of them. There is so much more energy in Tokyo that hey, Singapore is too sheltered and mundane. It is easy for me to find a job in Tokyo (sad to say, I'm more recognized in Japan than in Singapore) and after working for several years, switching nationality isn't impossible.

I imagined if I would give up my Singapore passport and to my surprise, my answer would be 「No」. I choose to keep my Hong Kong PR not because I love Hong Kong and dislike Singapore, I made the irrational decision based on the fact that it is a symbol of my being. Perhaps NS had played a part, I will step up to answer the call to defend this 'little red dot' if I have to. I would take up Japanese PR because it is convenient but I will never forget that I was 'Made in Hong Kong, Manufactured in Singapore and Packaged in Japan'.

I wonder who can really understand the feeling I went through over the past 10 days. Mum and Dad couldn't understand and though my brother tried, he hasn't been out there for 5 full years. Greg was so anchored to Singapore because of Yan, Philip and Sam wouldn't come back, I mean, how many people can give me the encouragement that I can find some answers here. Thinking of talking to Anton soon, and pose him with the question, 'how would you feel if you have no choice but to return to Indon'. Nevertheless, it was good to be accepted by the Japanese, rather than to be discriminated.

I am still asking, what does this trip mean to me? Is it just for a closure to bring a new beginning to me? When should I go again? June/July 2009? もしかしてこっからなにかをやるべき？