Internalization

I was in my skeptical mode today in church. If people know me, I just hate to wayang and hate to do things for the sake of doing even when I am guilty of blindly doing somethings because it seemed right at the moment. And I must say church is a dangerous place because there can be some many keywords and rituals that there are occasions when I get uncomfortable.

I thought Pastor Boon Chiau's message was good. It wasn't anything new because Pastor Ed had delivered the same message a few weeks back but it was different because we had today, a relatively well-off person talking about distributing our wealth. We can easily get Pastor Ed or even Sam Phun to preach but they will not have as much persuasiveness because they have little to give (in terms of material goods) in the first place. I also applaud the special mention of downloaded songs, games and movies and the clear condemnation that it is wrong.

While I approve the message, it is not easy to follow. Beyond the toil in the gathering of wealth, everyone has a different expenditure and at times, I feel uncomfortable giving to a group or to a clause and I wouldn't contribute. I feel uncomfortable because of the management but not because I could not bear to give, with that, I try to depend on myself and feel that it is basic responsibility for everyone to take care of oneself first.

Yeah, it was Father's Day but I don't agree with the basic belief "Husband to love the Wife while the Wife to be submitted to the Husband" that everyone seemed to be so comfortable with. Perhaps I should champion the women's rights movement because there shouldn't be a "one size fits all" conclusion for something so dynamic as the life journey shared by two persons. Anyway, I think there is an over-emphasis of ministry and response and I see them happening more than necessary most of the time.

Somehow, I needed to leave. I had an enjoyable time chatting with Ben and talking about the big ticket items in a wedding (it probably started because I will be going to Shiyun's wedding dinner later) but I just find it tough to run around with the kids in church. I can feel the generation gap, yet at my hair salon yesterday, I was honestly asked if I was schooling on several occasions.

It is probably the way I dress but it is not easy to feel detached from both the older and younger groups. Hope it's only one of those days when I get a little too intense for my liking.

Came home and read a book of 東京８０年代 and thought it would have been so good if I had read it a year back, before my trip to Hong Kong in July.

ジョアンが俺を誘ったのはおそらく今の俺を見てみたかったことに対し、俺はなにも変わっていなかったジョアンを見たかったかもしれない。今社会人になって、今のジョアンを見てみたいのに、去年の出来事でその機会がなくなり、本当に皮肉すぎると思う。

今の自分はジョアンじゃないとだめだって言わないけど、今の彼女のことを気になるだけ。次に進めるが、よっしゃ！この人を誘おうと思うまで、なかなか一歩足りないことも多かった。なにに集中すりゃいいのか？次の転勤？株でお金を稼ぐこと？興味を磨いて勉強をすること？

ちょっとお酒を飲みながらだれかさんと語りたいかも