My Life

I always believed that I had my life covered, that I knew what was going on in my life. Because of that, it was so surprising to hear what Stacey had noticed, and it was also a humbling experience, realising that God had been more fascinating and more abundant in His provision than I had perceived.

I had shared my life story back in August. How I lost my direction and found it again in an unlikely place. Found it when I was studying overseas, when by right, I should be lost in all the glitter and glamour of Japan.

http://vigilantlion.blogspot.com/2010/08/life-story.html

I have always been independent, brought up at home where all needs were met but nothing more. I used to feel awkward asking for things that I wanted because they were given with a condition. A condition for me to do certain things, or a caveat that it was a sacrifice made by my parents.

To the extent when we had to pay the fees for O Level examinations, the first thought was to withdraw money from my bank account. I could remember vividly that my initial thought was that I'm spending more money for taking more papers than necessary.

And perhaps, subconsciously, that also drove me to take up sponsorship for my tertiary education. Because I couldn't imagine spending my parents' money and be expected to return them with good grades, responsibility, etc. But such adolescent years also made me independent, a trait necessary for OCS, Japan, etc.

I didn't realise it before but perhaps, that also moulded my perception of the Heavenly Father. That I had to meet His expectations. Failing which, I would not be loved...

Then came Japan ...

It was during this time when I was alone, not expected to pray or go to church that I found God again. When I could be still, I could hear Him. Stacey realised it before me, that God also provided me with a different kind of earthly parent to show me the unconditional love of God.

My Godma is a Japanese and she loved me dearly. She had "adopted" 8 foreign students as her God-sons and God-daughters and I was her favourite (somehow we could connect well).

I could share things with her, knowing that she was always on my side and sometimes she would share with me her anxiety (about Hiroko not getting married soon enough). I didn't expect anything apart from friendship from her but she showered me with more good things than I had ever received or could have imagined:

She would stuff me with food and drinks (alcohol inclusive) whenever I drop by

She would make me bring fruits and biscuits back

When she knew that I was going to ski, she bought for me the necessary equipment

When it was the exam period, she sent me energy drinks etc

She planned for birthday parties for me (this picture was taken on my birthday party in 2005)

She wouldn't say anything negative when I brought my girlfriends for her to meet

Yet, she would bring me to a holiday to cheer me up after a break-up

She came and searched for apartments with me when I had to move out of the hostel

...

Through her, I felt God's unconditional love and I felt safe in her presence. Knowing that she would forever be supportive even when I failed my tests and exams. Her care and concern was not based on my success (not to say that my own parents were but they do have expectations which were stifling; I'm sure my Godma had expectations over her children but towards me, they didn't apply).

I was surprised to hear Stacey mentioning that I behaved differently before Godma, that I was like a little kid. And I know it's because I feel safe and protected and this should be the relationship we have with God. You can say that I met God in Japan and God was manifested through her.